Cloudy’s Poetry: The Dawn of Darkness

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What is darkness? Well, darkness to me may be totally different to someone else. My darkness (also called the Gray) is a place of hopelessness, helplessness, depression, sadness, and the feeling of knowing that I don’t choose to be here but I cannot help it.

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My darkness has a hold on me and plunges me so far down into a hole that I can’t see anything around me. I reach out and I feel nothing.

I don’t like being here. I don’t enjoy it one fucking little bit. But once I’m here there isn’t a damned thing in this world that I can do to stop it from taking over.

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I’m there now. I’m crying as I write this. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to tackle all of my problems and tell darkness to fuck off and not mess with me. But after so many setbacks and so many times I’ve gotten hurt deep to my heart, here I stand. In the darkness.

I wrote a poem last year describing how it feels. I think I will share it now.
Maybe it will help someone. I’m sorry to say, it may also be a strong trigger so please be cautious in reading. If you feel it triggering you in any way at all, please stop reading. 😦

This poem was inspired by an instrumental piece of music that a very good friend of mine wrote. He gave me the music and said put lyrics to it. I wrote it in 45 minutes taking pauses as the music played so I could get the words out on paper.

It takes you through an episode of my darkness and the feelings I feel. It takes you out of my darkness at the end.

I’m patiently waiting for that to happen again soon. I’m scared though. I think this time the darkness is too strong and I’m too weak and I feel like I will be here locked in my room and sitting in the darkness for longer than usual.

The Dawn of Darkness

Here I sail
Through a familiar dream.
Trying to identify
Why I’m paralyzed.

How did I get here?
My mind fills with fear.
I’m trying hard to breathe.
What do they want with me?

Is it my turn now?
I’m too blinded to see.
The Gray is all around
Consuming me.

I’ve never liked this place.
I’m always forced to stay.
The Darkness flows through me
Like a terminal disease.

The Gray invades my mind.
The Darkness smothers me.
Why am I always here?
Year after year.

The Darkness knows my name.
It sees my every move.
It knows my every thought.
Shatters my every dream.

Please tell me
How do I make it stop?
How do I catch my breath?
How do I take that first step?

Slow it down.
Take it below
Just a notch.
Let’s press rewind
And see how far I’ve gotten.

I’ve come so far
To give the ghost up now.
I’ve got to take control.
Get away somehow.

It’s not too late.
I know I’m strong enough.
I’ve fought this fight before.
I can do it once more.

The Darkness ensues.
Demands control.
A thick Gray fog still
Haunts my soul.

I’m fading fast.
Something grips my hand.
Leads me down a hall.
How far must I go?

Darkness speaks to me.
Tries to soothe my mind.
Says it’s almost complete.
Just a bit more time.

I journey downward.
Falling faster.

The Dark behind me.
The Gray extinguished.

My breath quickens
And my numbness fades.

My eyes are open.
My head is spinning.

Round and round.
And
Round and round.

As I pierce through
The atmosphere,
Fresh air hits me.
My lungs expand.

Through the clouds,
My dreams return.
In a color that I long to see.

The Sun beams brightly as
My world turns to
Blue once more.

-cc 2014

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Peace, Love, and Lots of Light,
Cloudy XXOO;

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