I’ve had a really stressful day so far today. Things that happened last night and my sad feelings that have swept over me today concerning the very real fact that my parents will be shortly leaving to move back to Cali at the end of the month, have really gotten me down today.
The realization that my parents will no longer be only an hour away is breaking my heart now that the time for them to pack up and leave is only two weeks away.
I cried and cried so broken hearted today and I really just wanted some relief. Everything is hitting me all at once and coming at me so quickly from all directions.
I thought about taking a Klonopin and then a nice nap, but as I thought some more about it, I decided that I really wasn’t in the mood for a nap. I wasn’t ready to put my thoughts ‘to bed’ yet.
So I decided instead to take a relaxing and extremely hot bubble bath.
I put my feet in first, as one always does, and then I sat down, plugged up the tub, poured the bubbles, and watched the water rise around me.
It kept on rising and I started to relax. Even the sound of the water just relaxed me. I eventually inched my upper body towards the back of the tub.
The bubbles started covering every inch of me.
Then I sat back up with my arms, hands, shoulders and upper body stretching down in front of me to get my body used to the hot temperature.
I sat there a few minutes just watching the water flow from the faucet and continued watching the water and bubbles rise around my body. This was so soothing to me.
Then, I scooted forward and stretched my upper body out cautiously to the back of the tub and under the hot water.
The water was lapping at both of my ears. I could feel and hear the bubbles popping, tickling, foaming around my ears and neck and at the back of my head.
I turned the water off with my foot and I just lay there for another few minutes.
I was thinking about my day so far and how it started: the pink buttercups, the good and bad memories, and the trip to go see my childhood home.
Then my thoughts went back to my parents leaving.
I was texting back and forth with my mama a bit before this and I was also thinking of that conversation and her strong words.
I was a horrible daughter to her from as early as I can possibly remember and into my rebellious teen years.
I, at the time, didn’t even realize my actions towards her. I was only mimicking what my dad would say to her, what he would do to her, and how he made her feel.
And I don’t in any way fault my dad. I love my dad with all of my heart. This will be another post entirely though.
I can say one thing. My mother is a very strong and forgiving woman- a better woman than I am or that I could ever hope to be.
I still to this day regret all of my past actions and I feel so very shitty and pathetic for doing it all. I think of it more and more as I am getting older and watching my own kids grow.
I can never take those words or feelings or actions back.
I said that I was mimicking my dad but that could only apply to when I was extremely young. I had the chance to change my ways once I became older and more coherent to the ways that family, relationships, and the world worked.
I had a choice. I didn’t make the right choice concerning my mama. I stayed stuck in my ways and never saw her for who she was; the loving woman who only wanted the best for her oldest child, the woman who desperately needed that love and affection returned to her by me.
My choice was a terrible choice and I still cannot forget or forgive myself for how I essentially betrayed her when I should have been holding her hand, loving her, and being proud to have her as a mother.
I confessed some of this to her earlier through our texts. I couldn’t, of course, say it all. You can only text so much. I plan on sending her this message once it’s completed so she can really know how I feel.
My mother is so strong. She has been through more in her life than most.
She is God-fearing. She is the most gentle and forgiving person that I know.
She didn’t say anything mean to me. She was trying to calm me down and telling me to forget the past and look towards the future.
And her calming words to me were, “I forgave you for that a long time ago. God has forgiven you for that. Now you need to forgive yourself.”
I sat and cried even harder because I just cannot bring myself to forgive every word and every action that I had done to her throughout the past. I just can’t do it.
I think about my own babies and I think of how devastating it would be if they treated me like the way that I treated my mama.
My world and life would shatter. I would be heartbroken wondering just what did I do so wrong to have children who mistreated me and wouldn’t love me.
I’m so thankful to God that my children love and respect me but I still cannot forgive myself for what I did to my mama.
I love my mama more than she can ever realize. Even just saying “I love you” isn’t even enough to describe my love for her.
I need her to know just how much that I now appreciate her. I shouldn’t have mistreated her in the past. She didn’t deserve any of it. But I did it anyway and tried to justify my actions by thinking, “If my dad can do it, then so can I.”
I was my daddy’s shadow and I wanted to be just like him. I mimicked everything that a daughter could possibly mimic in her daddy.
And I was a horrible little lost girl who made horrible, terrible, devastatingly destructive choices.
I know that my mama has forgiven me but I will always cry about it and continue to say that I’m sorry for being such a horrible child and daughter.
But I digress.
Let’s go back to my relaxing bubble bath.
I rested with my head turned to the left with my ear and the side of my face underwater. After about 20 minutes I flipped the other way and did the same. I just had my eyes closed and my mind relaxed. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular during these moments.
Time had elapsed and I sat up to start rinsing off.
As I was doing this, I was scrunched up with my knees to my chest, and I was just looking at my hands.
I looked at my tattoos on my inner wrists, turning them this way and that. I looked at my palms, studying them closely. I looked at the inside of my fingers and all of my scars and oddities from various instances and injuries. I looked at the top of my hand and the top of my fingers. I looked at my wedding ring.
Then I had this thought. My hands were still very wet. I was going to reach for the towel to dry them off but I stopped myself. Something stopped me and I continued to inspect my hands.
They were, of course, wet as I just stated but then that thought came to me.
If I sat there long enough with my hands out in front of me, they would eventually dry off all on their own.
I continued to inspect every part of them, turning them over and back over to the other side, and rubbing them with the opposite hand as if I was applying lotion.
They were drying on their own.
Sitting there watching them dry on their own gave me time to reflect inside myself even more and try to make sense of all that’s going on in my life.
If I would have grabbed the towel to dry them, I wouldn’t have had these moments to reflect. I would have just skipped that step, went on to get myself up and out of the tub, rush off to get dried off completely, and then dressed.
I would have completely forgotten about even watching my hands dry at all.
But watching my hands slowly dry gave me time; time that I would have wasted on something else that wouldn’t mean anything special or specific to me.
I continued to just sit there watching them even long after they had dried.
What I was reflecting on was that life is sort of like wet hands.
You go through different experiences but there is still that cause and effect.
Your life will be difficult, or “wet” for some time, but eventually it will work itself out, or “dry off” all on it’s own.
In life, you get dipped in, or sometimes pulled, into the water. Sometimes it’s water that is rough or too hot and you really do not want to be in it in the first place; but, nevertheless, you must sit or wade through this water until it’s time to get out.
And, once you’re out of these waters of life. you will eventually dry off all by yourself, without the use of a towel.
Think of your hands as your life; the water as your problems and obstacles.
If you wait long enough and are patient, you really don’t have to do anything but wait for yourself to dry off or your life’s problems to resolve on their own.
You will have added extra time to think about your problems or situations and possibly come up with a solution or course of action to resolve the problems.
In my life, I am currently in deep waters as well. These waters are very deep and the tide feels like it is steadily pushing me out further from the shore.
I have my hands out of the water and in front of me. I am patiently awaiting for my life to be dried off again.
I want so desperately for my hands , my life, to dry quickly. I want desperately to be comfortable, warm, safe, and dry.
But maybe I shouldn’t rush to let my hands, my life, dry off so quickly.
I could skip this self-drying step and just use a towel, but why rush it when it has the potential for it’s own specific time to resolve, “to dry”, on their own?
Sometime we rush to dry our hands off immediately and we miss the rare special moments and epiphanies that were there waiting for us.
If we would just have waited a little while longer, we may have been able to learn something about ourself or solve a problem.
While my hands were still wet, I reflected. I thought of all of the things that they will do once they are dry.
While my life is wet and I’m pulled under that water and I finally get a chance to see that shoreline or the edge of the pool; I have that choice to immediately dry off or sit there and make use of the natural drying time.
Next time my hands are wet and I have the chance to quickly dry them, now I know that I won’t.
I have faith that they and my life will dry all on their own.
It will dry just when the moment is right.