Nothing Much

Nothing much to report today. I’m still extremely low and caught in a depression rut. I have this feeling of doom- like something bad is going to happen. It’s just a general feeling and not aimed at any particular person.

I just hate when this happens. It makes me physically sick and a panicked worried mess. I’m already a mess so this just acerbates it much further.

I am binge eating like crazy. I gorged myself with so much food last night. I ate as if it was my last meal. Then my poor stomach was so full that I couldn’t move and I brushed my teeth and jammed my toothbrush end down my throat to purge it all.

I feel myself reverting back to my lifestyle in my early 20s. The cutting, the binging and purging, next will be taking laxatives to purge even more.

I am a complete and utter fucking mess. I tried so hard to pull myself up and out of this depression. But the events of last week with Man-Boy cutting and the hospital visit and then the admittance of him to the psych hospital has taken a completely bad toll on me.

I know that as his mother, I should be the strong one so that he can count on me. I’m keeping all of my pains, fears, and problems hidden from my kids right now. I’m trying my best to just focus on them and keep my pain to myself. So far so good. They have no clue. But I still ache inside and out.I just want and need a break desperately. I don’t see any break coming any time soon in the near future. So, I see a lot of time being spent in my cave (aka my Witch’s cave-my room).

I just want to hide away from everyone and just forget my problems.

Is that too much to ask?

I think so.
Peace, Love, and I Can’t Wait to Feel Whole Again,
cc

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