Today is fuck it all/everything sucks day.
From the moment I woke up I wanted nothing but to go back to sleep.
The day started out bad. I was in major fibro pain. I promptly went back to sleep but when I couldn’t stand the pain anymore, I got out of bed. Then I went back in the bed and just sat there looking up at the ceiling.
I was up but there was nothing to do. I smoked a few cigs and still there was nothing to do except go back to bed.
A little after 11, I started writing in my paper journal and then I started drawing meaningless shit. It’s just stupid words that come to my mind at the time. I felt like cutting today and instead I got it all out on paper. So yay for that mini win there.
But the rest was shit with a dark cloud hovering over my shoulders. Today I feel like Eeyore. Nothing positive to say, moving slowly, brain processing slowly. It’s like going in slow motion and dragging through this sadness and depression loop. I hope that makes sense, otherwise, I’m even more messed up than I previously believed.
My mind is set on very slow today. My mind feels drugged or stuck in slow gear. Nothing I say or think is positive at all. I feel like a big loser and failure. When I get like this, there’s no snapping out of it. It just needs to run it’s course and keep making me miserable.
I want to be pregnant and I’m not. This crap with my boobs and my prolactin levels just depresses me more. It’s a reminder that my body can’t make a baby. But it can make milk for a baby. That’s completely fucked up. It’s sad sad sad.
My husband was trying to be nice and send loving texts this morning telling me I’m the best wife and that he loves me. I couldn’t even respond positively to that. I’m sick. I’m sick in the head. I don’t know how to answer that like a normal person so I answer with more negativity and then piss him off. It isn’t my intention to piss him off. I’m only saying how I feel.
Why is it not okay to say how I feel? Isn’t he the one person that I’m supposed to be able to do that with? Instead I just piss him off and he tells me he’s getting pissed off and I need to stop it and snap out of it
The worst thing for anyone to say or tell me is to snap out of it. There is NO snapping out of it. This is how my mind works. It’s not a game. I can’t snap out of it and suddenly be a ray of fucking sunshine. I wish people would stop asking me to do that.
Doesn’t he know that I need him to love me through it all? I feel that he doesn’t. I feel that he just puts up with me because I’m his wife and it’s his job. I don’t think he likes me and I feel like he would rather be with someone else- maybe someone less fucked up and more sunshine and roses.
I just want to be understood and accepted and loved for who I am no matter what the circumstance. Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to he about?
And I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for my bad mood and pessimistic behavior today but I would at least like my husband to be there for me and hold me close and tell me he understands and is on my side.
That’s too much to ask for.
I am a moody jerk who apparently pushes everyone away.