Saturday Evening

Well, I somehow survived another one. I needed coffee today. Even though I am hiding out in my room and not talking to my husband (except by text), he made a pot of coffee.

This is a big deal. He doesn’t drink coffee ever and doesn’t even know how to make it. I drink iced coffee and at least he tried.

He didn’t put nearly as much coffee as he should have and it ended up tasting like coffee milk (overall milk taste with only a small hint of coffee) and it tasted pretty gross. I drank it anyway and even asked for more.

He cooked burgers on the grill and had Mini bring food to me. But I still won’t come out. Every time I try to stand up or I look in the mirror I get even more depressed. I’m aged far too much for my real age. I have the bones of an elderly person and hurt so badly.

And then all I see when I look in the mirror is FAT!!!

My husband still insists that I am beautiful to him but there’s no way that I believe him.

I’m a fat, ugly, disabled freak who has several mental illnesses.

I need to take a shower and I have no motivation or energy to do so. I can’t tell you the last time I had one. I would take a bubble bath but my disabled knees won’t let me.

I give up trying to fight it. I just hate myself more than anyone really knows.


4 thoughts on “Saturday Evening

  1. Aww *hugs*. No one can understand unless they’ve been there. Kudos to him for trying šŸ™‚

  2. Take it one small step at a time. If a shower is your daily goal then do just that. You need to get angry with yourself and force yourself to do things. Even going for a walk down the road. Simple things become the most difficult, believe me I know. But you really have to just get MAD at your depression. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, I won’t let you control me depression. And just do small things for you. It’s okay to be selfish, but depression hurts all around you. You are beautiful. Right now you might feel like a poop, but shower, put perfume on, do some small thing that makes you feel human again. Take that bubble bath! You can do it girl!!

  3. Thanks. I tried a few of these. I even tried to put makeup on but I got frustrated with the view in the mirror. I’m out of my room today. I have therapy in an hour so hopefully that helps get my week off to a better start.

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