I’m really bored so I’m just gonna do a verbal (written) vomit post filled with anything I can think of within the next hour or so…
Sorry, for those still reading, I warned you! 😉
First, today was what I will call a big ol’ bust! A flop. A wasted day! I woke up around 11am and did absolutely nothing for about 3 hours. I just sat there smoking and playing on my phone.
Now, there are things that I could’ve been doing, but again, I have zero motivation. I’m going to go ahead and call myself “lazy” for a minute. I’ll get back to that in a bit.
Around 2pm, I went out to check my bad tire. Hubs took care of it after work last night. He plugged the hole and put fix-a-flat in it. There was still full air in it this morning, which is a good thing.
I ended up taking a ride to Starbucks where while on the drive there, I discovered that if I go faster than 45/50mph the car shakes like it’s out of alignment and the faster the speed rises, the faster and louder the vibration gets.
Well, the only good thing about the timing of the flat tire is that now I don’t have to drive halfway (3 hours) to meet my ex-husband when he picks up the Mini to take him back home with him for only a week. I, btw, bitched him out about only taking him a week.
His son misses him and hasn’t seem him since Xmas. Ex won’t take time from work to take him for two weeks. The next time he will get him after this is Thanksgiving (because I’m a nice ex-wife and care more about my son’s relationships with BOTH of his parents). But that’s another story.
Back to the slow driving thing… Now, this means that I was stupid to drive it on the interstate today to go to Starbucks. I drove in the right Lane doing about 50mph but apparently it wasn’t fast enough for these people.
To avoid a blowout or an asshole driver, I think I will just stick to the back roads and stay off of I-10 and I-12. I don’t want to risk anything.
I get to Starbucks, get my coffee and pull out to get in queue for the traffic light. This blue haired old woman in an escalade, cut me off WHILE WAVING as she passed. WTF?!
What did I do? I blew the horn long and hard and followed and stayed on her ass until my turn. Did it accomplish anything? Nope but it made my pissed-off-ness less pissed-off-y.
When I got to my Main Street, I stopped at McD’s for the boys and then drove home. Oh, and I checked the mailbox. That brings me to another story.
We have side garages with a side door and that’s what we always use. We never use the front door that’s on our actual street. Well, without fail, every day when I’m coming home and I see the mail has passed, I drive in front of my house and do the little loop to pull back around and check the box.
These same neighbors see me do this a 1001 times before, but they still stare at me like I’m a burglar casing the joint. Dumbasses!!
So, after I check the mail, I bring everything inside and then I go and sit, again, on the sofa, again, doing absolutely nothing, AGAIN.
Which brings me back to calling myself “lazy”. Am I lazy? I don’t try to use my illnesses as a crutch but sometimes there’s no way to get around them.
With the fibro and RA, most days, I physically cannot move around (especially if I moved around or was active the day before). It makes me feel lazy because there are things that I know I need to do but I know if I start them I won’t finish and then I’ll have a bigger mess to deal with.
Also, on the mental illness level, I basically live my life in one big depressive cloud. Within the past two months or so, I’ve been zoning out and just sitting there like a blob. I feel like I’m not myself. I feel like I’m floating and can’t come down. I feel terribly unmotivated to the point where I piss myself off.
I want to get up and do things but I don’t. I even go as far as envisioning myself doing these things and the outcome of doing them, but I don’t act on it. It’s just a movie or dream that plays in my mind.
My therapist and psych think I need to be on Aderral to combat this nonexistent motivation that I have since it seems to be getting worse. I don’t know how I feel about being on a stimulant. I have a psych appointment tomorrow so I suppose I will find out more then.
Let’s go back to my daily chore problem…
I deal with chores in small successful goals. If I did a load of laundry, it’s a good day. If I emptied the sink, ran the dishwasher, cleaned the counters, cooked dinner, and put dishes away, it was an awesome day. Saturday the only thing I did was clean the bathroom and I was ecstatic!! So, I ask again, am I lazy or is it just my depression and fibro kicking my ass?
There’s something called a “Spoon Theory” concerning chronic illnesses. I will explain briefly here but I’m going to find the original article and post after this one.
The Spoon Theory is basically this. You start your day off with so many “spoons” and once you use them all you are out for the rest of the day.
Sometimes some chores or bigger jobs take more spoons. Things like doing five loads of laundry and putting them away may take 5 spoons from me.
Sweeping or mopping may take 2-3 spoons depending on how many rooms I do. The work we did in the back bedroom/soon-to-be sewing room used more than half of my spoons.
Now if you run out of spoons for a day you may need to borrow some of the next day’s spoons which will mean you are going to be short the next day and also in much pain.
I get about a dozen spoons a day and even waking up in the morning stiff and needing to crawl out of bed and get all of the soreness out of my body takes 1-2 spoons depending on how much work I did the day before.
You can see that they don’t last long. I told my husband this years back and now when I can’t move another inch and I’m hurting, I tell him that I’m out of spoons. He knows exactly what I mean (which is good).
I got an idea in my head today. I’m going to write a “to do” list. It will contain spaces for short term daily and chores AND long term big projects.
I’m going to get in the mindset that when I cross off a chore (no matter how small it is) that I will have done something productive and give myself a mental high five. I will also count my spoons to see how good or bad my day was.
It will also show me which days are bad and what I did to help me get through my chores for the day.
I of course, don’t think it will be easy or even quick to pick up and give myself a different mindset but at least I am trying to start somewhere with a positive change. The thought that I even am willing to do this for myself is a big thing.
I need to do something.
Also, I’m getting fatter because of the risperdal so starting this coming Monday, I am starting a food journal. I need to take a proactive step for each of these two stressors. My weight and my productivity/motivation really bother me.
The best thing I can do is write it all out. I love to write so that part should be easy.
Again, I am optimistic and I know it won’t be easy. I need to change my mindset and try try try. I’m the little engine that could. 😉
I took a break from writing because hubs said he feels a UTI coming on so I went to CVS for tablets and cranberry juice. Now I’m about to finish this up.
He just left for a road call about 30 minutes ago and he just now texted me saying he is on his way home.
I guess I will finish off here. Let me go find the article on the Spoon Theory.