I don’t even know anymore. I haven’t come out of my room much since Sunday. I haven’t seen my husband since Saturday evening. I’ve only come out of the room during the day when he’s not home. There were no appointments this week so I’m not sure what day it is.
I want to talk about something but I will get to that at the end.
I was right in guessing Wednesday because tomorrow, Thursday, is the first day back at school for Mini. We left the house today to go get his hair cut. We also stopped by the school to meet his teacher and drop off his school supplies. Then we headed to Walmart for something for dinner.
I put the things away as quickly as I could and ate even quicker so I could run back in here in the room before hubs gets home.
Tonight, in an effort to get Mini to go to sleep early and stay asleep (without sneaking to play electronics), I said he could sleep in here with me. So, tonight should be fun. <——– That's sarcasm.
I also promised that I would play MarioU with him after he had his shower and then his bedtime is at 9:00 for tonight. I do not want to play WiiU but I made the stupid mistake in saying that I would. Oh, the things us parents are forced to do.
So I figure bath time at 7pm, WiiU from 7:45-8:45pm and then to bed we go. Fun stuff. I hope I actually get some sleep tonight because last night it eluded me big time. I was up every hour and I was sweating my ass off. I was also hallucinating and had the bedroom light on because I was scared that something was in the room.
Yesterday, I'm sad to say, I heard voices. Now, I always hear these voices but these particular voices have been MIA for months. These two voices had me crying and telling me to take all of my pills because then all of my pain would go away. I was screaming inside at them to leave me alone I tried to stop them. I tried to cover my ears. They got louder. I fought harder. I won this time but I was scared. I don't like when I get this way. I don't want to leave my kids no matter how bad my life gets.
Now, here's what I mentioned above. Here is what I want to talk about. I AM FAT!! Yes, I already knew this but when Mini was getting his hair cut, I glanced in the mirror in front of me and didn't even recognize myself anymore I've been replaced by a blob with a too fat face with double chins and a fat stomach. I look disgusting and I cannot believe I go out in public looking like this. I'm so totally ashamed of myself and now this has made me even more self-conscious of my looks and paranoid that people are looking at me and talking about me.
I need to do something about this. I haven't been this big since 17 years ago when I had eclampsia and was pregnant with my oldest. I've never been this big since then. I know I look ugly and horrible. It's terrible. To me, there's actually no resemblance of what I really am supposed to look like anymore. I just look like a generic blob of an obese person.
And I know this weight is not good for my health. My knees are so bad as it is. This weight is not helping at all. It's hurting them even more. I have back trouble also and I have high cholesterol. What am I going to do? After seeing this wake up call, I never EVER want to leave my house again!!!
My eating habits are horrible. I don't eat a single bite of food at least until 4pm and then late at night, I binge eat if I'm still hungry and there's easily accessible food available. I know I need to eat better and in know I should start eating a lean protein rich breakfast but I never ever have the energy to do even that. I survive off of coffee all day until I decide to eat.
I wonder if I should start Weight Watchers again? My only problems with that are that it's expensive to buy different foods for myself that the other guys don't eat and money is a touchy subject around this house. I'm doubtful that hubs will give the money to me to join the meetings again. I tried following it on my own at home but I never succeed. I need the meetings for my weekly support system. Whatever it is… Something has got to give. I can't continue on like this. I have at least 80-100 pounds that I need to lose. 😦
I'm disgusted with myself and my life. I wish I could just flip a reset button and have everything go back to a certain time in my life where I had my health and weight all together. If only it was that easy….