I was up all night thinking of every horrible thing that has ever happened to me and every horrible thing that I have ever done.
I couldn’t get comfortable at all. I was hot and had a light sweat and just tossed from one pillow to the next. Every time I looked at my phone for the time I would get up to smoke a cig and try to make sense of the mini fifteen minute dreams I was having.
None of them made sense to me. I can’t recall any of them now. I hate when I can’t remember them especially when they are puzzling.
I was wide awake an hour before the alarm was set to go off so I made some coffee and laid out all of the Mini’s stuff, got his snack and water in his school bag, and got his juice, vitamins, and Ritalin out. My husband was still home. He found me smoking on the toilet seat cover and kissed my head. When he left all he did was give me a big hug and tell me he loves me. That was better than anything else he could have done or said.
I put on a pair of jeans and made a quick trip to the family dollar to get some juice and a few things. Yes, I went with messy hair. Yes, I went with no bra. No, I didn’t (and don’t) care.
I’m currently trying to will myself to take a shower and it is not working very well. I’m at least in the bathroom. I’m perched on the lid cover smoking and just looking at the shower curtain. It’s not happening. I know I will eventually give in but I may end up sitting here for an hour or more. 😦
Why the fuck is it so devastatingly hard for me to get in the shower???
My depression tells me to not do it. It tells me to just jump back in bed and put my head under the covers. That’s what I will do after I shower anyway. My depression tells me forget about it and just go now. Saying that I don’t need a shower. I just need to put pajamas back on and put my hair back up. Depression says that my bed is calling my name and that I need to go back to bed and think of more reasons to hate myself. Depression is bigger than I am. These demons are smart.
I’m going to try to take a shower. I’m going to try to get dressed. I’m going to try to put makeup on (just to try to lift my spirits), I’m going to try to get my notebook and laptop out to write (Even if I do it from bed). I’m just going to try.
Try is all that I can promise