Day 14: Here’s to the Coffee!

Here’s to all the coffee in the world. All the coffee that I can possibly drink in one day. All the delicious iced strong brewed yummy coffee… I love you coffee! Coffee, you are my soulmate!!

Er… Wait… Let me come back down from my coffee high!! A few smacks to the face and snaps in front of my eyes are helping me to come back down.

Okay, okay… I’m back! Man, what a trip! Damn that coffee is strong and so delicious!

So, my goals for today (that I wrote out on Facebook last night) were:

:To take my night time meds
:To no trip over Mini’s bottom hardwood bunk again for the third time in a row
:To not randomly wake up at 4am for the sixth time in a row
:To take my morning meds and not forget for the fifth day in a row

I accomplished all of them except the waking up at 4am randomly for some stupid reason. Why am I doing that? It’s screwing with my precious sleep! I mean this is when the dreaming is prime and I just pop up awake (yet still sleepy and with eyes half shut) and randomly say, “Hey, I’m awake! Let’s go pee and smoke a cigarette! Come on! It’ll be fun!) Yeah, Not. So. Fun. At. All. I want my half hour back!! ::cries:: Any idea how to fix this? Nothing in the bedroom is making noise at this hour. There are no cats meowing at 4am. No dogs barking. No cars outside. No babies crying. No snoring. No trains. Just me popping up out of bed like a PopTart popping out of a toaster. If it happens again tonight I’m going to fight it and just put my pillow over my head. I won’t give in to it and go pee and smoke. I will continue to lie in bed and just keep my body as still as can be and harnessed to the bed!! I will defeat the 4am wake up if it’s the last thing I do!!!

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Over this!!! I WILL DEFEAT IT!!!

Anywho, besides that rude awakening, I slept deeply and dreamt well (I don’t remember it but it was a good one) and I woke up 2 minutes before the alarm. I got the school uniform all together and then put the cartoons on for Mini. See, I wake up at 7:20 and I wake him up at 7:30. The bus passes at 7:48-7:50 so I have 10 minutes to get his clothes out, school bag packed, water bottle and snack in school bag, and vitamins and milk out for breakfast (he eats breakfast at school). When I went in his room to wake him and get his socks out of his drawer(which is on the other side of the bunk and the reason why I kept tripping over the bed) I DID NOT trip over the bed. I cleared it this time. My leg thanked me. Got the socks and tried to wake the little Mini up. It usually takes about five minutes to go through this struggle. Finally on the third call (threat) he came (sleepily) into the living room and started getting dressed. I helped him put his beanie and coat on. I checked the temp outside by walking out the side door earlier and promptly shutting it because I was in thin pants and a short sleeved shirt. He drank his milk, had his vitamins, watched a few minutes of Gumball whatever or something on Cartoon Network and was out the door. I was FREEZING!! Remember what I was wearing. And he wants to wrap himself in my arms so I can’t wrap my own arms together to keep warm. I give up and just realize I have to stick the cold out for two – three minutes and then I can go back to the semi-chilly inside (yes, it’s cold inside too, but not freezing). The bus passes and all is well. I walk in and make coffee. Lovely wonderful coffee. Remember how I said I was freezing? Do you want to know what type of coffee I make? ICED!!! Yeah, I have a screw loose somewhere!! Don’t even try to understand me. LOL

I drink my wonderfully cold coffee goodness and then I get into my warm, warm, warm bed. I sleep for 2 hours. I wake up and go out to buy cigs, buy another glorious coffee, and stop at Dollar General for chicken stock (for my gumbo) and stuff to make hot dogs (for dinner tonight). Oh, I also bought bread (we used it all for dinner last night) and some jugs of koolaid type drinks. Fruit rush or whatever it’s called. I don’t drink the shit so I don’t know.

Last night’s dinner was soooooo good! There’s just something about having breakfast for dinner! I cooked some bacon and made toast. I scrambled some eggs with cheese for the boys and I made a scramble for me and the hubs with onions, spinach, mushrooms, and cheese. Talk about delicious and filling!! I just love breakfast for dinner. You know what I hate though? The cleanup of a skillet after cooking bacon! I wonder if I leave it there until tonight if the hubs will clean it. I just put all of the other pots and dishes in the dishwasher and it’s running now. That’s the only thing left to be cleaned. I hate it. Did I tell you I hate it? I hate fooling with the grease from any meal I cook. I always make a mess with it when trying to dispose of it. It doesn’t matter what kind it is either. If it’s grease, I’m gonna make a mess. That’s just the way it goes.

I did something today. I followed through with the last person that I needed to make amends with. Remember I’ve been working on people who I had or have problems (or had) with that needed to be amended? Well, I sent the last one a message. I sent this.

Hi ——,
My therapist and I have been talking about things that are still on my mind that bother me and she said I need to make amends with them all. That means I need to try to fix what was messed up last year.
I’m wanting to tell you that I’m sorry for my involvement in that fiasco and if I caused you pain I did not mean to. It was a bad time for me and the whole thing just got out of hand. I ask your forgiveness for my part in it.
I hope that we can somehow be friends again.
Again I truly am sorry.

I received a “Thank you” as a response. I didn’t expect any response so that’s good enough for me. It feels better to get that off of my chest.

I don’t know if I wrote about all of this back then. I probably didn’t because this was around the time I was cutting myself and I was severely depressed. I wasn’t feeling much of anything except depression but this whole fiasco with her and our other friend was depressing me even more and was driving me insane and I didn’t know what to do. It was a very bad time. So much anger and hurt and animosity and the lies and untrustworthiness. It was horrible. I still blame the other person the most for pitting her and I against each other but I’ve made amend with them too so I can’t bring this back up. It needs to stay buried. And buried DEEP! So thank god I got that done and it was painless. I already feel like a weight has been lifted off of my back. I don’t expect that we will ever be friends again like I had asked and that’s really ok but as long as we are cordial when we are both at the same place at the same time that is good enough for me. That’s all I can ask for.

I’m still freezing. And I’m still drinking my iced coffee. I have a cat in my lap and he isn’t even warming me up. Damn you Maxx you suck!! Damn cat is supposed to make me feel warmer- not colder!! Brrr

I would really like a cigarette right now but they are in the bathroom and I’m sitting in the living room. I can ask Brandan to bring them but then he will steal one and I suspect he has been stealing quiet a few because my packs seems to be emptying a lot quicker than usual. He needs to ask his dad for that shit and stop taking mine. I don’t have the money to buy any. His dad has the $.

Brandan has been taking a break from going to see and sleep by Courtney’s (girlfriend’s) house. He’s been there too long lately so I told him he needs to stay home a few weeks. And now I’m noticing on my phone bill that he’s using an extreme amount of data over there. The new data started on the 6th and there’s only 0.6 used. When he went by her, just in four days he used 6gb of data. I’m not going to be paying for a lot of data. The whole idea for moving to Verizon was to save money and get my Bill to under $200 and if he wants to use all of that data then he is going to need to get a job and pay for it. Which brings me to another subject. He is not looking for a job. I told him the McDonalds right here by our house is hiring. He won’t go in and apply. He says I need to bring him. I say he needs to remind me. Whenever he’s in the car with me he says no. It’s going to be a big issue soon especially when this bill keeps going over $200.

I think that is all I have for now. Mini will be he from school in 20 minutes and then it will be snacktime, homework time, dinner time, bedtime… Maybe I will post some more later!

Here’s my “I’ve had too much coffee faces!” LOL

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