Maybe I Shoulda Had a V8?

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Looks like it doesn’t it? I’m all hanging to the side and shit. I don’t really have anything particular to write but I just felt like jumping in my blog and losing myself for a little while. So here I go.

The hot dogs have been cooked and both the Mini and I have eaten. Brandan probably didn’t eat yet. He just had nachos and some buffalo chicken strips and hubs isn’t quite home yet. There’s something comforting about hot dogs. Why is that? Maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure. I know I like the cleanup. Easy peasy.

I did some cleaning in the kitchen since I last wrote. I took care of that nasty bacon grease on the grill and hamburger grease in a skillet. Sooooo grooooossss!! I cleaned the grill and skillet and egg pan from last night so all is clean in the kitchen. Watch one of these mofos come behind me and dirty it again. It won’t take long with these males that I live with.

Ask me what I’m drinking. Go ahead and ask me. “Hey, Jenn! Whatcha drinkin’?” I’m drinking ANOTHER iced coffee and I’m STILL FREEZING!! I’m just a glutton for punishment. The cold air has my shoulders and backs of my arms, fingers, legs, and feet feeling like an iceberg is touching them and I’m drinking cold coffee. I’m typing on my phone. My fingers feel as if they are frozen in place and the only ones that aren’t numb are my thumbs!!
Hey!! Thank the gods!! Hubs just came in from work and asked me why I had the fan on!!! Say WHAT?!?!??!! I’m a big dummy head! I didn’t even realize that the ceiling fan was on!!! He turned it off and my body immediately stopped being so mutha humpin cold!! Hubs wins the day!! And saves it too!!
He gets the

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I’m warming up nicely. Sooooo, I wrote about this prior a few days ago but I go to see my psych tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the visit. I’m not having as many problems as before. My anxiety level in dealing with going in a store has gone down. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still not ready for Walmart but I’m good with Winn Dixie and the dollar stores as long as they are not crowded. I’m not freaking out or having the sweats and shortness of breath. I do talk to myself so I’m sure people wouldn’t possibly bother me if they hear me. LOL

Another thing I need to discuss is my binge eating. It was going good for awhile when I was going to sleep earlier and not waking up but for the past week or so I would say, I’ve been going to sleep after that old bedtime and I’ve been bingeing. Last night was bad. I grabbed the leftover container of boiled potatoes, a kids’ cup of spaghettios, and a PopTart and I ate it all one right after the other and I wasn’t even hungry. I snuck it all into the room when I heard hubs go in the shower. 😦 I think I need to get an increase on the Wellbutrin and the Topamax. Those are the two to help with that.
Another one of my problems is bathing. This is a hard one to bring up because I don’t want people who may read this to think that I am dirty or nasty or just lazy and disgusting because I’m not. I’m always clean. I just hate getting into the bathtub for a shower or a bath. I hate it. I can’t do it. I haven’t taken a shower in over a week now. This doesn’t mean I’m dirty. I clean myself daily. I just cannot get in there without having a panic attack. I think I’m going to die. I think the water is acidic and is going to burn my flesh off and the biggest one that my psych and I came up with is I think every time I shower I think my hubs will want to have sex and my sex drive is gone right now. It’s true. Whenever I shower he always comes in here like we will have sex and I usually have to do something to give an excuse. This is why I try to take my showers when he’s not at home but yet I still don’t want to take them. I sit there on the toilet lid trying to psych myself up for 30-60 minutes sometimes. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Really. That took a lot for me to write that out.

I guess it is time for me to go sit with hubs for an hour or so before I go to sleep. First while I’m thinking of it, let’s takes night meds…

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Scary huh? LOL Well, at least I took them! There’s documented proof! I’ve been so bad about taking them lately. My brain has been bad at remembering. I’m forgetting a lot more than just taking my meds. I forget the time and day and I forget what I was saying in the middle of saying it. I can blame it on fibro fog (my fibromyalgia) or maybe it’s my mental problems or maybe it’s just old age. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. It’s getting harder to put numbers together too. I see numbers on a page and they all seem to dance in front of me. Weird.

I feel so very fat. I wonder how much I gained or lost this past month. I will find out tomorrow. I haven’t been eating like a pig but I binged quite a few nights. That may have tipped the scales against me. My clothes still all fit me the same…tight!! Blech!!! I’m down to only three pair of jeans fitting me and one has holes on the inner thighs (wonder how those got there? Ugh), one has a wonky zipper that keeps coming undone, and the other is the only one that has nothing wrong with it but I hate the color of it. My favorite pair is the pair with the wonky zipper. I have about 30 pair of jeans in the closet that don’t fit me and if I even lost 15 pounds I could fit in at least 10-15 of them!!! I hate this struggle. I want to go back to the weight loss doctor who gives the pills out each month. I was losing with that. I just don’t have the spare $80 to justify it.

So, I hate my body. I hate taking showers. I hate panic attacks. I hate shopping. I hate the cold.

I love coffee!

Goodnight!

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