Day 18: A Lazy and Panicky Day

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So today was filled with much laziness and even more panic. I was completely lazy as I slept until 11 something or another and I have done absolutely nothing around the house except fix cereal twice for the Mini (at his request). I know hubs needs his uniforms washed but I checked and made sure he had at least one to wear for tomorrow so I’m good. I can wash them all tomorrow. Mini is off of school tomorrow for Martin Luther King Day so that means no waking up to an alarm. That will be nice. I need to also wash his uniforms tomorrow. I think I have enough of my own dirties to make a load with his little pile of school dirties so that’s good. Only two loads that I will have to wash. Yeah!

There’s not many dishes to do. The washer is almost loaded. I just need to fill the bottom and then run it. Then I will hand wash the rest. The kitchen needs a good sweeping but I think I will ask Brandan to do that.

Then there was my huge panic attack before I took my shower. I had to take two Ativan to even turn the water on and step in. I showered as fast as I could. I hate being this way and I know it is ridiculous and I feel so embarrassed writing this out on a public blog but I promised myself I wouldn’t censor myself so I’m not. But it’s still embarrassing admitting my fear of showering.

Remember what my psych and I came up with last month at my appointment? That I equate showering with having to have sex with my husband and my sex drive just isn’t there anymore and also I’m embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband because of my weight? Well, after I got out of the shower today it was the same thing. We had sex. So it’s not something made up in my head. It’s a real concern. This time it was okay because I invited him in to do it. I wanted to show him some attention because I have been distant this week (at least I feel I have been). But the whole scenario is the same. Shower when hubs is home = sex! Maybe I should shower when he’s at work.

But it’s not just the sex that makes me not want to shower. I don’t want the water hitting me either. I feel like it is going to burn me (and I take lukewarm showers as it is). I also feel like I’m going to slip and hurt myself because of my arthritis and fibromyalgia.

I have real bad issues. I’m working on them with my psych. The showering isn’t getting any better though. Like I said, I do wash myself daily but that’s the first shower I had in over a week. That’s the least of my problems though. My binge eating is my worst problem right now. I need to get it under control.

The binge eating is so bad. I’ve gained 60 pounds in a year. That’s so terrible. This is the most that I have weighed in my entire life. 300 pounds!! 300 fucking pounds!! I’m so ashamed of myself. It’s so embarrassing going in public. I feel like everyone stares at me and people talk about me and laugh at me. I’m super fat. I’m ugly to look at and just generally disgusting. This causes me great panic.

I can go all day not eating and then at night I go crazy eating food. I currently have no food in my bedroom to binge on and I’ve been going to bed between 9-10pm so I won’t eat anything. I know I should be exercising but I can hardly walk in a damned grocery store much less walk for my health. I know I shouldn’t rely on drugs to whisk away the pounds because I honestly know it doesn’t work that way but I am hoping that the increase in my meds curbs the binge eating even a little bit more. Please let it work! I’m begging for it to work.

Anywho…

I just tried On Demand to see if Freak Show was available yet and it is not. Now the HD option is not even available! What is going on this week with this episode? I’m all excited to watch it because last episode was so good and ended on a cliff hanger. This is so not fair!!

The house is quiet. The boys are in their rooms playing with their Xboxes. Hubs is doing yard work. There’s a cat in my lap and one behind my head. I’m sitting on the sofa. The tv is off. The only noise I hear is the blower that hubs is using and the neighbors’ dogs barking in a distance. I’m sitting here with my iced coffee and my hubs’ vape. I’m too lazy to walk to my bathroom to get my cigs. I don’t know what flavor this is. It’s kinda fruity but almost empty so it tastes weird.

I didn’t take anything out to cook. Hubs said he wanted to cook fish but we didn’t take it out to cook. I’m hoping he just goes to McDonald’s because I don’t feel like cooking anything and having a mess in the kitchen honestly. I could go for some just fried mcds French fries! (Yeah, great for my 300 pound ass isn’t it?!).

Remember I wanted chocolate ice cream last night? He went to CVS and bough a half gallon for me! That will last for two weeks if they keep their hands out of it! Yeah right!

This is this is the third day I am taking the larger doses of Effexor and Topamax. There are no noticeable side effects other than the normal sleepiness. Thank god for that pill cutter. It was nice not having to bite that nasty pill in half this morning. One thing I wonder though is why she never went up on my Wellbutrin if that is the original one she gave to me for the binge eating. I will ask her next month or I may shoot her an email tomorrow about it. It just popped in my head. I didn’t think about it until just now.

Random again….
I can’t wait to get more highlights at the end of the month! I think it will finally be enough for my hair to look completely blonde! Well, the roots won’t look blonde but you know what I mean. And the underside that I don’t make her highlight won’t be blonde. But this is weird. I’m spending all of this money to get my hair blonde each month but yet I’m too embarrassed to go anywhere because I’m too fat and ugly. Does that make any sense at all? I could be saving that $100 each month but I go highlight my stupid hair just so I can look at it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m messed up with my priorities for sure. :/ My hubs doesn’t care for my blonde hair. When I was almost completely blonde those few years back he said he didn’t like it so who am I doing it for? Myself?! Yep. Oh well!

I just promised Mini that I would let him have Xbox live at the end of the month. What the fuck was I thinking? He’s 9. Is he old enough for that? Brandan said he can’t use his anymore because he keeps adding random people to his friends list and he’s tired of letting Mini play his Xbox. He said get him his own. I guess it’s safe. Brandan says there are Parental Controls on it so I think it will be okay. I told him I will get it but he can only play it if he loses the attitude and he is polite and does good in school. He threw a fit. I said that’s the kind of attitude not to have if you want it. Now he keeps coming in the living room to hug me and tell me he loves me. Little shit!

Okay, I have two cats on my lap and I can’t feel my legs. I guess that’s a sign for me to get up and end this random post.

🙂

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