Day 29: I Just Don’t Know

I don’t even have anything to write about. Yesterday I forgot to go back to my draft. Nothing amazing happened yesterday anyway. It was the same song and dance as usual. I did nothing during the day except dishes. We had the leftover baked ham for dinner with scrambled eggs. Dinner was great. Mini went to bed on time. I went to bed around 8:30. Normal shit.

Today, I went back to sleep and woke up at 11. I talked with Brandan for about an hour before he left for the girlfriend’s house. Now I’m by myself. I need to sweep up the pebbles from Mini’s shoes (from the school playground) and I need to clear the dishes from the counter. I also need to psych myself up for a shower. I’ve been putting it off all day. I don’t want to. But I need to. I’m thinking once Mini is home I will. I hope. If not, there’s always tomorrow. But I really need to do it today. My hair needs to get washed.

I forgot to take something out to cook for dinner. I should have done that this morning but I just flat out totally forgot. Which brings me to this.

My memory is getting very bad. Not something that is just here and there. It’s constant and I’m noticing in multiple times daily. Brandan was playing music earlier and it was bands and songs that I know and have listened to hundreds of times and I couldn’t recall the names of the bands or the names of the songs. I forget what I say as soon as I say it. When my mama asks me a question on the phone I forget what she’s asking me about and need to say, “wait, what?” I don’t like this. I’m actually worried about it. I don’t know if it is a side effect of one of my meds, if it is part of my fibromyalgia (fibro fog), or if it’s something serious. That worries me. I guess I should talk about it with my psych at my next appointment.

I took a small break from writing just now and went into the kitchen to find something to eat. I came out with a bowl of chocolate ice cream. See my lovely eating habits? Some things just never change.

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Sipping coffee and an empty bowl of ice cream. My cigs are behind the bowl and I have one in my hand as I type. I have so many bad habits. No wonder I’m fat and crazy! I’m a bit down on myself right now. I’m thinking of that scale seeing 299 on it and envisioning it going up past 300 next time I go and I’m just going to cry right there. I don’t want to be this fat. I hate it!! I know there’s things I can do to change it. I know the whole healthy living lifestyle so nobody preach to me please. I’m stuck in a rut right now with the Zyprexa and the binge eating controlling my life. I refuse to try another antipsychotic because the others caused too many side effects and I don’t want to play guinea pig again. I know if the weight doesn’t change by this next appointment she Will probably take me off of the topamax and possibly the Wellbutrin and I’m scared of that because the combo now has me feeling good. I have no side effects and my fibro pain is gone and I’m not on Cymbalta. I just have this fucking weight gain to worry about!!! I don’t want to tamper with my meds (unless she increase dosage) because I don’t want to go into psychosis again!! That was something that seriously almost killed me. Sigh 😦

It’s 2pm now. I swept up the pebbles when I took the lunch break. I also cleaned the kitchen counter and washed the two big pots that were on the stove so all that’s left is wait for Mini and take a shower. So here I sit for another hour and 45 minutes unless I decide to shower now which I probably won’t do. :/

That’s all for now. I’ve put myself into another melancholy mood.

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