February 2: Monday is My Bitch

I made Monday my bitch! Yes! BAM!!

I was out of the house right after Mini! I hurried and dressed and headed out. First stop was Starbucks! Yes, I know. I know I said that it is a waste of money. I know. I know. :/ but I was in a hurry and I didn’t care!! Bad bad Jenn!

Next to the pharmacy for my Ativan. With this new insurance it was only $4. I’ll take it!! Beats $10. Not that much of a difference but hey, it’s something!

Then I was on my way to Target and happy that there was seriously about two more people shopping in the store besides me! That was fantastic! No reason for panic. (PS: I have not stepped foot in a Walmart for at least three months). I went to Target specifically to buy paper plates and socks for both boys. Brandan has been taking MY socks. MY socks!! My PINK and baby blue and striped and polka dotted ankle and no show socks because he can’t find any of his own!!! Now mama has no socks!! He got $100 for Christmas. I told him he should’ve bought me some goddamned socks!!! Well anyway, I bought a 10 pack of black no show (all he wears when he’s not wearing mine) socks. I also bought a 10 pack of crew socks for Mini because his socks disappear into thin air and I swear he has enough socks here to wear for half a year. I’m making it a new rule this year that every time I go to the store I am buying A pack of socks for Mini!!! I was able to find six pair of fuzzy colorful socks that I like on clearance for me so I scored too! That’s all I will wear. I won’t wear white socks. I don’t even own a pair. I will only wear colored no show or colored fuzzies. I love my fuzzies!! While at Target I picked up a brow pencil and a pressed powder. I forgot to get that the other day. I accidentally got an eyeliner instead of the brow pencil and I bought the wrong kind of pressed powder. Buying makeup isn’t easy anymore. There’s way too many options now and it seems like every thing I want is way down below and I can’t stoop down to see or reach it. I won’t be able to get back up.

I really need to go through my makeup. I have so much of it and I keep buying more. I need to go through it all and throw some of it away. I know I have a lot of mascaras that are no longer good and probably some liquid base in there. I have so many eye colors I will never wear them all because I always wear the same ones over and over. I’m going to be screwed when I run out and can’t wear them anymore because I’m pretty sure they won’t be sold anymore in the stores. That’s the bad thing about getting hooked on makeup colors. They’re always changing and nothing stays the same. Maybe I will make it a point to go through it all this week. But I betcha I don’t. LOL I put off everything!!

Well, back to making Monday bitch… After I left Target, I came home, made some more coffee, gathered all of our tax documents, and did and filed our taxes!! BOOM!! Just like that!! All of this done before 11am!! I am proud of myself because I wanted nothing more than to climb right back in my warm bed after Mini got on the bus. It was so chilly this morning and I didn’t want to get up this morning. I slept right up until the alarm went off so I was sleeping so soundly. And I was so warm. So, I’m proud! I got my ass in gear and ran my errands and did taxes just like I told my husband I was going to do. The last document we were waiting for came in Saturday and I told him I would do taxes on Monday and I did! šŸ˜€ Yay me!!

I cleaned the kitchen just a little bit. I ate lunch. I folded some laundry and now I’m sitting here on the sofa sipping some coffee and freezing my ass off because the ceiling fan is on and it’s killing me!!! I’m sitting on top of the blanket but I’m too frozen to move my ass to get up and get it out.

To change the subject, yesterday was a good day. I woke up around 9am. I woke hubs up. I don’t remember what we did early morning (there goes my memory again) but I remember sitting on the sofa with him when he was watching tv around noon. He said he wanted to barbecue. Well I told him to go to the store but don’t get rambunctious with too much food. He was gone over an hour. Guess what? He got rambunctious! OMG he brought back so much food! But most of it was buy one get one free so more than half of all of it got put in the freezer. He cooked pork spare ribs, pork country ribs (this was my fave of all of it), smoked sausage, hotdogs, burgers (second fave), steak, and corn on the cob. There was a lot of different food but I didn’t eat much. There’s lots of leftovers for tonight. I just ate a pork country rib for lunch. I was going to cook a big pot of red beans today using the ham bone from the baked ham last week but there’s way too many leftovers today. I will cook beans tomorrow. Brandan will be happy. Red beans is one of his favorite foods.

Brandan got back from Courtney’s right when hubs finished cooking. Right on time to eat. We got into a texting battle before he left on whether or not Courtney’s family could take some of our food back home with them. I said no but they are welcomed to eat here with us. Brandan said no and that they would need to leave right away. Hubs said this isn’t a cafeteria. I agreed with him. I would have loved for them to stay and eat with us but coming just to take food home with them was not going to happen. I wasn’t taking our extra food just for that. I would have gladly taken out more food for them to eat with us. Brandan was so mad at me. That’s just how it is. I told him just don’t even tell them. He said he didn’t. But anyways, it was a good dinner.

I spent some time in Mini’s room. I was watching him play on Live with other people. I’m still leery of this. I don’t want him playing with adults. I listen for the voices to make sure it’s kids and I ask him as well. He is just like his brother. When I start talking he gives me this look like “Are you seriously talking to me right now? Can’t you see I’m doing something?” These kids and their stupid video games. He got grounded from his for a week for thinking he could go round for round in a pissing match with me last night. He did something and I said you are really close to losing your Xbox for the week and he said he didn’t care. I said well you just lost it. He said he didn’t care again. Then I said he lost it for the weekend now too (that’s when he can play Live). He said he didn’t care. I said he was really close to losing the WiiU gamepad and wouldn’t be able to watch YouTube videos. Before he could answer I asked him if he really wanted to go another round with me because I can go on all night long and pretty soon he would end up punished for weeks from his games. He said no. Good boy. This kid sometimes frustrates me because he is too stubborn and strong willed and he reminds me of when I was little except he is worse than I was. And I was BAD!! I blame my mother! She said my children would be worse than I was. Well, Brandan wasn’t this bad but Mini sure the hell is!! He should be home in an hour or so. Let’s see what kind of attitude I get today because he can’t play his Xbox. I’m not ready for it. Can’t he just stay at school??

His birthday is coming up on the 24th and this is a tough one. All I can think of getting him are Xbox games. Go figure. That and Legos. They’re both about the same amount of money. I know I need to get him an Xbox headset and then I guess I will get him a game and a Lego set. He doesn’t need more than that. Christmas just past and he still hasn’t even played with most of his toys from that. I hate buying gifts lately. Probably because I hate stores.

I said before that I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It is probably because I slept so badly. I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. I was hot and then cold and put the blanket on and off. I finally got into a good sleep and then the alarm went off. You can see where I woke up a few times during the night here and it only shows I was restless 97 minutes but I was up too many times.

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All I know is I slept poorly and I better sleep better tonight. I’m taking my meds early and hope to be in bed no later than 8:15pm.

Well, I didn’t go into it all too much on Saturday because I was in such a bad mood and I didn’t have a lot of time to write but when hubs told me he googled my name and all he told me he did all of that because he wanted to know why I didn’t ask him to come lie down with me anymore. So he, in all his great big stupid ideas, decides it must be because I’m up playing on social media sites when he knows good and well that I go to sleep. (For those that don’t know, hubs sleeps on the sofa because the bed hurts his back and be prefers the sofa). I got to thinking why I don’t ask him and first off, I just don’t even think of it. All I think about is going to sleep. I don’t think of snuggles or sex or anything except sleep. Next, he doesn’t needy permission to come in the bedroom. It’s his room too. Then I think that maybe I don’t ask because sometimes I KNOW that I am going to binge eat and sometimes I can’t wait to get in the room, hear him in the shower, and eat! Other times, when I don’t take a shower for a week (but still wash off) I feel funny about having him next to me in bed. This is all that I can come up with and I told him all of this. All he answered me was that he thought I stopped binge eating. I said nope. But I told him I don’t have any food in there now. He saw me bring the pretzel bags to the kitchen earlier that day.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t like being touched anymore. Maybe it’s my meds. I don’t want to be touched and I don’t care about sex. I only give it up whenever just to please him and that’s not often. And I feel like a failure because he can’t stay hard and I think it’s my fault. So what’s the use of having sex anyway? I don’t want to be touched. I’m tired of giving blow jobs (which he thinks needs to happen every fucking time). He can’t stay hard. There’s no kissing. It’s just routine bullshit. It’s not worth taking my clothes off for. And this is why psych and I think I won’t shower regularly because I don’t want to have sex. It keeps making more and more sense to me as time goes by. Man, I really do need to go back to therapy. I have different insurance now. I don’t even know if they cover it and I don’t know if my therapist even takes my insurance. I need to make some phone calls tomorrow.

All of this talk about intimacy and shit and our anniversary is on the fourth. We will be married four years. I guess I will be expected to give it up on that day so I better prepare myself now.

Sigh I am not normal. This is so not normal. I am abnormal. I am SO abnormal!!!

And I am SO done with this post!

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