February 23:Up to 8 Now

Well, now I’m up to 8 meds! Well, one I will slowly wean off of until the bottle is empty in a month and a half. She is replacing my antipsychotic Zyprexa with Haldol and with the Haldol she wants me to take a Benadryl. She says that when I take with Benadryl it will help ward off the tardive dyskinesia (which is involuntary muscle movements or tics). I had the tics before with Geodon.
Here’s my poison list:

My weight is up two pounds so that puts me at 302. 😦 She said the Zyprexa is not allowing the Welbutrin or the Topamax to do their jobs so she wants to wean me off of that one and keep me on those two above. She kept the Welbutrin dosage the same. She said she will increase it next month but she wants to see how well I do with the Haldol first. She’s going down on the Topamax by 1/2 a pill per dose so instead of 11/2 twice a day it’s only 2 twice a day. All the others stayed the same.

We focused most on my binge eating. That’s why she is changing the antipsychotics because she doesn’t want that extra weight gain factor along with my bingeing. She still recommends I start therapy again with Cindy. I have been out of therapy since October. I didn’t think it was helping and plus we couldn’t afford the extra money per week. She strongly recommends it. I will have to look into it and even see if our new insurance covers it.

We went over everything else. My not showering. She wanted to know how often am I showering. I answered about once a week. She asked if I am sponge bathing. I said yes. The only thing I don’t wash is my hair. She asked if I get up and get dressed daily. I said usually not. I usually stay in pajamas or lounge type clothes. I don’t really go anywhere. I told her even if I stay in pajamas sometimes I do put on makeup just for the hell of it.

She asked how my energy level was and I said nonexistent. I don’t care to do anything and I just sit on the chair all day. She asked how my sleep was. I said I’m usually in bed by 8/8:30 at night and I sleep pretty good but sometimes I’m restless at night but I don’t remember it. I told her about my Fitbit and how it tracks my sleep patterns.

She asked me about my anxiety. I said it’s still there and I still hate to go in stores and I only go in when there’s no cars. I told her I’m self conscious and won’t really go anywhere because I think people are staring at me or making fun at me. I think people are following me. I told her I had to go to Walmart after our session and I had already taken an Ativan before I got there.

She asked me about the voices and if they were telling me to hurt myself or if they were telling me to harm anyone else. I said no. They are just static. They only count and talk low where I can’t make out what they are saying. Sometimes it’s loud chatter and it’s so loud I can’t hear what my family is saying when they talk to me and if the tv is on I really can’t hear them. Because of this my hubs thinks I’m deaf. She asked me if I still think aliens are going to abduct me. I told her I try not to think about that. Then she asked me how my relationship with my husband was.

How is my relationship with my husband? I wish it was better. I miss him. I don’t feel that we are connected enough right now and I miss it. Of course we love each other but it seems like when I’m coming he’s going and vice versa. We are never on the same page or wave length anymore. I miss his hugs and I miss him holding me. I just don’t have a sex drive anymore and I don’t want to be touched sexually and that’s what he goes for. He goes straight for the boobs when I sit by him and let him hold me. I just want to be held. I want to feel loved. I don’t want to feel like a sex object. I’m just not there right now. I want to be, sure but I’m just not. Something in me just clicked off and even though I want it I can’t. I want to please him but it’s hard. How do I do it when there’s no drive? It happens maybe once a month. Maybe twice a month. Always when I take a shower I will ask him to come in the room. He always comes. But there’s no intimacy. It’s always wham bam thank Ya ma’am. No kissing. No touching. Just get me hard and away I go then let’s clean off and he’s out the door. If we don’t have sex that often I would expect that I would get more than just that? I’m giving so can’t I receive back? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just broken. I love him so much. I just wish things were back the way they used to be before I got so fat and so fucked up mentally.

I think that’s all we covered. I go back and see her next month. I have all my appointments scheduled all the way up until August. It was easier that way.

That’s all for now. I’m just waiting for a text from the pharmacy letting me know my prescription is ready so I can go pick it up. I’m in a melancholy mood. :/



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