I’m Feeling Sorry For Myself

Let me warn you now.  I am feeling extremely bitter and sorry for myself today. I have my period so maybe that may have something to do with my mood but I’m not sure. I just feel like I’m not supposed to be in this house. I feel foreign when I sit here in the living room or kitchen or even on the toilet!  I’m tired of waking up here and tired of going to sleep here. I’m tired of walking in here. I’m tired of doing laundry in here. I’m tired of cooking and cleaning the kitchen in here. I’m just tired of… HERE!!! 

This goes back definitely to my posts about hating the house and not wanting to clean it but it is getting worse now. Now I am doing less and less cleaning as the days are going by. I know my bathroom needs to be cleaned because since we leave the window open it makes a lot of dust and it gets dirtier much faster and I smoke in there too so you can imagine. I don’t really care to clean it and usually I’m on top of cleaning it. I have a collection of Mt Dew bottles on the floor by my nightstand that I need to pick up but I keep saying fuck it. Who’s gonna see it except me?  The hubs doesn’t come in my room for anything. Which reminds me… He sleeps on the sofa and I’m tired of every morning coming into my living room looking at this:

  

My son and I have to actually sit on that in the morning to get him ready for school. It’s a pain in the ass to fix and as soon as I fix it halfassed and I get up it goes right back to looking like the pic again.  *sigh* I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

I’m so disgusted with my life right now and I can’t do anything about it except whine about it and sit here watching it pass me by or get up and do something I don’t want to do that I know I won’t do. I don’t even like to cook anymore!!  It’s almost as if I forgot how to and it kinda scares me!  I rely on frozen oven dinners a lot and freezer bag meals. We eat lots of pasta and meatballs and pizza and salad. I fry pork chops. I make jambalaya and red beans but Mini doesn’t eat either of those. I want to cook stews and chili and roasts but one doesn’t eat one and another doesn’t eat something else. It’s a pain in the ass to cook for my kids. I’ll just give up and make them eat ramen or pb&j every night. Bet they’ll ask for something else pretty quickly. 

So I have some dilemmas and they all are weighing on me and here all the while in the back of my mind I’m still wishing it was just Mini and I back in my apartment when it was simple and quiet. I still love my husband to death and want to be with him but it feels right now that all we are is roommates and I love Brandan to death too but he already said he wouldn’t leave his dad’s house again unless he got kicked out. 

I hate my life. Fuck my life. 

  

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