Been Awhile, Damn!

i didn’t realize I’ve taken so long to write. I can’t say anything cataclysmic has happened. You all know how boring my life is. This will probably be all over the place with bits and pieces coming at me as I think of them. 

First, I finally went to Brandan’s school and got his drop slip so that’s one step closer to registering for the GED classes. Second, he has a phone interview with Target about a job tomorrow!! I’m so excited for him!  This job is for cart attendant and stocker and makes $9 an hour. I’m praying that he can get this position. It will be so good for him and much better than working fast food which is basically the only other option. Everyone pray and think positive thoughts for Brandan!!  They are greatly appreciated!!

My car stopped working on the day I originally planned to go to Brandan’s school. It wouldn’t start and would just click. Hubs wanted me to put the battery charger on the battery but for some reason I started crying and told him no I wasn’t doing it. He got home at 6pm that evening, ate, and then went to the garage. I asked what he was doing. He said he was going fix my car. So after about an hour out there he got it running again. It was the battery. I’m still leery when I go somewhere and am so scared it’s not going to start back up because it kinda lags for about 5 or so seconds before it kicks over to start it and makes me think it won’t start. If I get stuck somewhere I will die because hubs will have to leave work and come rescue me and then I will probably never hear the end of that (even though it wouldn’t be my fault). My car just has me in fits right now. I don’t want to drive it unless it’s through a drive thru where I don’t need to stop the engine or at the corner store where if hubs isn’t home I can just walk home. I’ve had bad experiences with my past vehicles. Really bad experiences. Think dead transmission on the side of the interstate in Birmingham, Alabama when I lived in Lexington,SC!!! Bad luck!!! Oh well, if it happens I guess it’s unavoidable. 

Hubs and I haven’t really been getting along any better or any worse than usual. I think we have become roommates. Brandan joked a few days ago that we needed bunk beds. While funny, it’s still kinda sad to me that this is what my life (marriage) has become. I get hugs and kisses when he comes home from work and when I go to bed. I tell him I love him and he replies but if I tell him I love you more he totally ignores what I said as if he didn’t hear me. I’ve waited a few times just standing there waiting for him to say something and he never did and it hurt my feelings badly. I asked him yesterday why we don’t have sex anymore. He said because when he plays with me it seems like I get no enjoyment out of it and sometimes I say it irritates me. I said so what. That doesn’t mean I can’t please you. He said something about playing with him on the sofa sometimes and sometimes I come out the shower saying lets have sex or let’s get naked but he’s not in the mood and that’s it. I give up. What am I supposed to do to make him happy. I can’t help it if all of this medication I’m on has taken away my drive and has desensitized my feelings. Regardless, I still want to try to please him. I think another factor is that whenever we try he goes soft most of the time and he wants me to blow him until it’s hard again but I just can’t keep up. My smoking is so bad that I can’t hold my breath for long anymore so I end up gagging and I’m sure he thinks it’s because of him. He’s 50 years old. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having the early stages of ED. It doesn’t bother me. I just want to please him and I obviously can’t. Maybe this was tmi but it’s on my mind and it just popped out.  So I would say our relationship is just meh and isn’t nowhere near as good as it should be for a healthy marriage. He gets mad at things I say when we’re watching tv. He tells me to be quiet so he can hear the tv or he says he doesn’t care about such and such or so and so (my mama or sister) and I feel lonely because I have no one to talk to so I will sit here texting my mama or Brandan back and forth. Brandan, who is ten feet away from me in another room… We will have a whole conversation. All the while hubs asks wtf I’m doing on my phone and I tell him. I’m talking toy mama, sister, or Brandan. I don’t ask him who he’s texting or talking on the phone to. I don’t ask him who’s profile he’s replying or commenting on facebook. I just don’t care anymore. 

He says I’m lazy and I need to do more around the house. I don’t want to do more around this house. I hate this house. I clean what needs to be cleaned to function properly and that’s it. I can sweep the floor and by the end of the day you can’t even tell that I did it. I told hubs I’m tired of picking crumbs up off the counter and he says that’s your son. I said no it’s you too. He said bullshit!  I said I’ll call you on it next time you do it. Then I said instead of seeing crumbs and saying those are Brandan’s, why don’t you just clean them up instead of leaving them there?  No answer. Of course not.  I didn’t expect to get one. He just changed the subject to notching about something else. I don’t even know what. There’s only bitching coming from him so I don’t know. And he tells me he’s tired of hearing things I say like facebook is boring, or my back or neck hurt, or are you hot in here? I’m sweating.  You know what he tells me?  Why don’t you stop complaining about everything for a change?  I’m tired of hearing it. 

You know just one time I would like to come here without bitching and report happy things. It would feel so nice and make me less depressed about my life and my situation. I wonder what I have to do for that to happen?  It would take a huge miracle!  I’m hopeful that maybe one day at least part of it could possibly be better. 

Mini is good. His 3rd grade class took a field trip to the Middle School this past week. 4th grade is in middle school where we live even though I think that is bullshit!  But he reported back that he had a good time. I asked him if he got to see the 4th grade classes and he said they just peeked through the doors. Most of the trip was for fun. They learned things about the hire grades and they had their chorus perform for them. I’m still scared of Mini being there next year and I still haven’t figured out transportation. It’s two blocks away from my house. If I had to I could watch him walk all the way to the crossing guard but I don’t know about a 4th grader walking by himself plus,  what about when it’s raining?  I’m going to want to bring him and pick him up. I’m thinking I will bring and pick him up for the first couple of weeks until he gets used to the school and then maybe I will let him walk. Maybe I can make Brandan walk with him up until the crossing guard. I’m so scared of this. Can you tell?  Mini is forgetful and has a touch of adhd so no telling how he would act on a walk by himself. Maybe I’m worrying too much but maybe I’m not. Ugh :/

He also has a special friends breakfast this Thursday coming. Of course he is making me go. I’m scared (once again)that I won’t find a close parking spot and I won’t be able to walk the walk and that I will be embarrassed by being all sweaty and a mess by the time we get to the school. So I’m planning on leaving the house super early. It’s for 7:45. I want to be at the school for 7. This means Mini has to get up waaaaaay early and I don’t care. I need a close parking spot or else I will be in trouble. This is what happens when you’re fat and smoke and are out of shape. Sad price to pay. I have the potential of ruining my Mini’s special breakfast just if I don’t get a close spot to park. I’m pathetic. 

Which brings me to me… I hate myself. My hair is way way way too fucking short. When I flat iron it it looks like a flat frizzy mess of crap and I have to end up putting a ponytail anyway. If I sleep on it it looks somewhat better but still too short. I hate flat ironing it because I can’t see the sections of hair that I’m ironing behind my head and I just have to guess that they are getting ironed. At least before I could see the pieces and know if they got flat or stayed wavy. By the time I get to the very top/front of my hair it’s my bangs left and my bangs haven’t completely grown out yet to the length of the other front hairs so it falls into a frizzy mess on top of the already there frizzy mess so now I have two different lengths of frizzy crap. Yay me. I’m walking around with pony tails again and I need my roots died badly but then I’m scared of getting bleach on my frizzy mess and making it more of a frizzy, crunchy, broken mess or having it just break off. I guess I will let Ashley decide when I go see her next week. 

So, my hairs led my face look fatter than ever and it would be better if this hair was at least healthy but it’s not. So I’m looking very much so fatter in the face also with craptastic frizzy hair. No product helps either and I’ve tried to let it go curly and it looked bad. It looked so bad that Mini came home and said what did you do your hair and I said curl it and I asked if it was ugly. He said yes it’s ugly and to go put it up. Say what??!! 

Plus I’ve got this fat body that I can’t get rid of. I’ve taken to not eating at all during the day. I may eat a handful of triscuits or a yogurt but that’s it and then I wait until dinner and if I don’t cook dinner then I don’t eat. I don’t want to eat anymore. Eating got me to be this fat so I need to not eat to lose it. I know that goes against any health book or dietician or doctor ever but I don’t care. I’m not hungry. My pants feel looser. I don’t know how much I weigh because I skipped my psych appointment. That’s another paragraph. I only checks weight at those appointments so I don’t know if I lost anymore. I hope so. :/ 

I skipped my psych appointment. ️I canceled it the morning of the appointment. I really don’t know exactly why I did except for the fact that I really didn’t want to go. My hair was in a ponytail with roots showing, I was sleepy, and didn’t feel good. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was so ugly that I didn’t want to leave the house and I didn’t have clothes I wanted to wear. All poor excuses to miss such an important appointment but I didn’t care. I also have been taking less of my medication than I should. I’m tired of taking pills. Lately they’ve been gagging me to the point where I spit them out. I feel doped up all the time so I’m trying to feel less doped up. The ones that I am supposed to take two a day of I started only taking one a day all except for my Lamictal. That one stays the same. I have to find the cause of my sleepiness. I read the black box label that comes with the Effexor and one of the side effects is extensive yawning which I have big time. It’s the kind of yawns that a dentist would be proud of and they make my eyes tear up. I’m doing it right now and I think I’m on yawn number 16 for this session. Only thing is I only take one Effexor a day and I just can’t stop taking it. It’s for my anxiety and when I do go out it works wonders for me. I don’t think anyone is following me when I’m out now. I basically don’t even look at anyone while I’m shopping. It works for me. So next time I see her I need to tell her that I started halving my pill dosages. I’m sure she won’t be happy. Maybe I should lie and ask her if we can go down a dose because I feel too doped up. Who knows what I will say. 

I guess after that book I am at the end of it for now. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks! 😀



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