February 13: Oh What a Day!

Oh what a day indeed!! I woke up ten minutes before the alarm went off and got up to smoke a cig. I got Mini’s clothes together and went through the motions as I do every weekday morning. He didn’t want to get up. That’s pretty normal. Finally got him up. I usually have some strawberry, chocolate, or plain milk and his vitamins waiting for him but I had Apple juice this morning and he threw a fit. He apparently doesn’t like apple juice. Well, now I know! We made it out the door just in time.

I came back in and texted hubs good morning and I love you. He called me to tell me it wasn’t a good morning and went into why it wasn’t. He’s on call this week and he had a call bright and early about a stupid thing and an idiot driver.

After that I took a nap. I woke up to a phone call from Mini saying he needs his permission slip and money for his chorus field trip on the 24th. He needed it today because they are on Mardi Gras vacation all next week. So, I got up and brought that to the school. Then I went to the evil, no good, addicting Starbucks!!!!! I couldn’t help it! My car just drove there all on its own and made me order an iced mocha!!! It wasn’t my fault!! I swear!! 😉

Well, I came home after that and did absolutely nothing. Pretty much. I played on facebook and chatted to friends. I was talking to Carla and Andrew and Andrew made a meme for me. He always jokes when I take selfies that my face is too close to the camera. So, he made this stupid meme!
This is what I made in response!
HA!!!! Take that!!!! 😀

I cooked this cheesy cheddar chipotle pasta for dinner and it was pretty damned good!! I only ate a small spoonful and I think I’m ready to go back for some more. Mini didn’t eat yet. I don’t think he will eat any of this. It has a little kick to it. But yeah, it’s great. Nom nom!!

I slept like shit last night. I went to bed around 7:45pm and I was really really sleepy but I just could not go to sleep. I was so restless all night. Then I would get cold and then hot. I can always tell when I don’t sleep good. I usually wake up before the alarm. Here’s my Fitbit chart.

I hope that I can get some good restful sleep tonight. Maybe I can since tomorrow is Saturday and there’s no alarm to wake up to. I need to go take my meds soon so I can get sleepier early. Which reminds me,,, I am out of my Zyprexa. That’s my antipsychotic. I’m out! I called the pharmacy and asked if I had a refill on my file and they said yes but it’s too early to fill it. What the fuck?!?! I don’t take more than one a day so why isn’t it ready now? I hope I don’t have any withdrawals from this. I am going to keep calling them every day until they fill it. I thought I had an extra bottle of a lower dose but I don’t. I could have sworn it. But all I found was an extra bottle of a lower dose of Effexor. Fuck! :/

I’m sitting here in the dark on the big comfy chair in the living room. The cat is in my lap and the hubs is on the sofa watching Gold Rush. This show is stupid to me. It is the same every season. Problems problems problems. And I hate some of these whiny assed grown men on this show. I am trying to ignore the television. It’s not working. Hubs loves this show. He loves this show as much as he loves the Big Bang Theory. lol 😀

I did not binge eat last night. I didn’t open the other Valentine’s chocolate heart. It was safe from me. I didn’t have anything else in the room to eat. Today I ate a cherry cheese Danish and the pasta just now. Yesterday I went to Panda Cafe and splurged on chow mien and orange chicken. Hubs doesn’t know. He would tell me I didn’t need it because of my weight and also because of spending money. I hid the box and bag by wrapping it in two Walmart bags and tossing in the trash can outside. It’s easy to hide Starbucks cups but not so easy to hide food boxes and containers. And I still can’t figure out how I am going to hide the empty Valentine’s chocolate box. I guess I will do the same thing I did with the Chinese box by wrapping it in Walmart bags.

I go to see my psych on the 23rd. I’m scared to get on the scale. I have a feeling that it will be up and that scares me so much. If the scale had moved up then I think she will want to change my topamax and possibly Wellbutrin and I don’t want to change anything because besides my weight, everything with my mental state is beyond perfect. Besides my binge eating disorder it is the Zyprexa that is what is also helping me to gain and keep weight on me. That’s one of the bad side effects. I don’t know if she will want to change that one either. I would hate to be another guinea pig again. The first two antipsychotics gave me HORRIBLE side effects and this one works perfectly except for the weight gain.

I am sorta proud of myself because I have a box of jelly rolls that are hidden in the kitchen and I didn’t open them and I also didn’t put them in my room like last time. Remember last time? Remember I ate the whole box in a day? Ugh!! So, at least I’m being good there. I’m trying so hard. I want to be good and I sabotage myself all the time. I am not doing anything except hurting myself. I’m tired of sabotaging and hurting myself. I need to change. I wonder what it would feel like to be 240 pounds again. I would love to get this weight off. Even if I could lose 20 pounds I could start fitting in my clothes again. I need to develop a plan. I am going to put my thinking cap on and try to get motivated enough to do something about my weight. My eating patterns are so screwed up. I need to eat more during the day and less during the night. My biggest problem is, of course, the bingeing but I need to stop myself (no, force myself) to not bring food into the bedroom!! No matter what! This has to be the first step. If I can get myself into this habit then I’m solving one of my biggest problems.

Oh well, I guess I wrote enough! Until tomorrow! 🙂


2 thoughts on “February 13: Oh What a Day!

  1. I go through stages of binge eating, it’s ok once in a while but have u tried water/milk when u feel like snacking. I get a pint glass of water and drink it all then I don’t normally want to snack.

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