February 10: I Cheated Yesterday LOL

I cheated! I forgot to write! I went back and added yesterday’s date to the photo post that I made. Oopsie!!

I just didn’t have time to do it. My husband was eyeballing me watching me on my phone all evening and I just didn’t feel like having an argument started so I put my phone in the bedroom. And then I went in the room to sleep. I didn’t even pick the phone up to try to write in case he came in there and asked me what I was doing.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and they have been really getting to me and upsetting me and it basically boils down to the fact that I’m not too happy with my husband anymore. Now don’t get me wrong! I love him to death!! I’m just not happy how we are living and I’m thinking more and more about wishing I was living back in my apartment again and it isn’t about seeing other guys or anything like that. It’s about freedom to not have someone down my throat for every little thing I do or don’t do. Freedom to be on my phone writing harmlessly in my blog and not have my husband Google my name and accuse me of talking to guys. I’m just so tired of it lately. All we do is fight. It’s like the same day over and over here. It’s like I’m trapped in a never ending loop daily. And the weekends are worse because he’s here all day and night.

I don’t feel like having sex. I don’t know why. I have no drive. I think it’s a combination of the added weight making me feel self-conscious and unsexy and all of the meds I’m on. I would love to be able to have sex but I just can’t get in to it. I know my husband expects it and I know denying him because I don’t have a drive anymore is wrong. So what do I do?
There’s no intimacy. No kissing no foreplay. He just wants me to blow him and thinks that gets me in the mood for sex. It doesn’t. It’s not going to. I’m tired of the same thing over and over especially when we don’t have sex regularly at all. Pay some attention to me and maybe I will react better. I am just so frustrated about so many things that I can’t even talk openly to him about because anytime I open my mouth to speak he automatically jumps down my throat. I could tell him it was sunny outside today and he will yell at me that it was breezy. This is my marriage. This is my life. I do not like it very much. At all!

There’s not really much that happened yesterday. Same old shit. Right before bed I went by my hubs on the sofa to sit for a minute and he laid down and made room for me. Of course his hands went directly to my boob and one down my pants. Now I was still watching the episode of Castle on the tv and he was distracting me. I didn’t get horny or aroused. He was annoying me by messing with my boob. I must have lay there for at least 10 minutes. I didn’t know what to do with my own hands. I hugged his arms. Held his hands at one point. Put one arm behind me and put it in his pocket and then he positioned himself for me to put my hand on his dick. Goddammit!!! This was what I knew was coming and I was just watching the rest of this episode so I could go to bed. I just went over there for a kiss. Now I have to play like I’m aroused when I’m not. I HATE this shit!! Normal Jenn (before meds) would be all over this and most likely would be the one to initiate this scenario. Normal Jenn would have a better sex drive than hubs and hubs would turn ME down for sex because I used to want it so often. There’s something so very wrong with me. I’m broken. :/ I wish that I was fixed. I wish at least this part of me was fixed. I used to love having sex. 😦

And I binged last night. I had a bag of dried pineapple pieces and I ate handfuls of those. Then sometime in the middle of the night when I was half asleep I ate six Oreos. I ate them with my eyes closed and aimlessly and like a robot. It was a brand new pack and it wasn’t even opened yet. So I don’t remember even opening it. :/ I’ve gotta stop this shit!!

I’m in a pissy mood now. Talk later.

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