Not Adjusting Well… Still

Well, it’s official!  I hate working!  It’s not good at all. I’m dying there. I can’t even stand to wake up and get dressed in the mornings. 

This is the beginning of my fourth week and I really have not adjusted at all. I’ve even called in sick twice. Twice I drove all the way to work (an hour commute) and drove right back home. I really hate it!  It’s bad when it gets to 2pm and then I feel like I can’t stand it anymore. I get antsy and want to scream!  I keep thinking I should tell them I want even more part time hours and say I have to leave at two or three but I’m too scared to. 

My husband is no help either. I told him I hate it and he said so fucking what?!  He refuses to let me quit. He said if I quit it’s like saying a big “fuck you” to him. He has no idea how I feel and he doesn’t know what this is doing to me. 

Here’s my reasoning of why it’s not beneficial to work. I’m going to lose my food stamps. That’s $350 a month. I need to pay after care for Mini each week and it’s $100 a week. If they are off of school that day it’s an extra $13 a day. So that’s roughly $400-500 a month on aftercare. So $350 for food stamps and let’s say $400 for aftercare is $750 a month. I’m only making $1000 a month so that leaves $300. Plus, I have to figure in gas, coffee, and lunches. I’m going to say that’s an extra $150 a month. What am I making?? $150 bucks?!?  To go through all of the torment at being at a job?!  He says it’s worth it. He said I can’t quit. He said I’m contributing to the household!  I say he’s an asshole!!  He berates me when I bring it up. He treats me like a child and screams at me. I feel hopeless. I still tell him I hate it and he yelled at me and said that if I quit this job I better have another one lined up or he’s getting rid of the cable and Internet. I could care less about the cable but we need Internet. He said he’s going to get rid of luxuries and make me suffer. If I can’t help out contributing an income then he will make me suffer. 

How can that be helpful to me?  He’s supposed to support me and help me when I need him. I can’t work. It’s killing me. He said it’s only three days a week and I just need to suck it up. Am I being too dramatic?  I don’t think so. I absolutely HATE working!!!  Once Mini goes back to school it will be even worse!  I will have to get up even earlier and get us both dressed and ready and then I need to rush and get in the car line to drop him off at school. I’m not looking forward to this at all. I have a hard enough time making myself wake up as it is. Once I need to get Mini up I’m going to be a bigger mess!!  

Plus, I’m having a hard time.  It’s hell on my back and my mental state. Once 2pm rolls around, I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It just takes everything out of me. I file and make copies until I can’t file or make copies anymore. I want my old job back where I sat and typed up things most of the day. This job blows. 

Here’s some info. My company has clients that are mentally, physically, and/or developmentally disabled.  Some have Downs. Some have severe autism. Some are paraplegics, etc.  We provide care givers for them (direct service workers or DSWs). Each client has a CPOC (complete plan or care). From that CPOC we create progress notes, a service plan, quarterly reviews, emergency plans, back up plans, etc. when we have a new client it’s either my job or the other admin who comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays to type all of this out. I get the short end of the stick because most of the work gets done by Jody (the other admin) because everything just happens to be dumped on the desk when I’m not there. So I get stuck filing all day. My job when I worked there three years ago used to be typing EVERYTHING!!!  Now not so much. Did I say how much I hate my job. 

So about that filing… Each client has a blue file that has all of the above documents and so much more. My filing consists of taking a checklist for each client and checking or x-ing what is missing or what is complete. This is tedious and time consuming. Hunched over these files kills my back. I need a break from this filing almost all the time but I can’t. I try to do copying in between but sometimes the copier takes a dump and jams. When I copy it is all of the progress notes. Each worker has a copy of the progress note on their shift. They need to fill them all out. Most of these documents are 3-6 pages so that means I need to sort and staple them all together. Most workers ask for 30-60 copies so this takes awhile which I like. I’d rather staple copies together instead of filing but like I said, the copier doesn’t always work. That makes it all more difficult. There’s always something that hinders my work. Always something. Always something!!!

Do I complain too much?  Should I just be happy that I have a job?  NO!!! I hate my job!!  I’m going to burn out. I keep coming in late and I want the turn around and go home. Today I went in late by about 20 minutes. Then my boss, Rebecca, called and she asked if I got in late. I said the traffic was bad. She said from now on call her if I will be late. How the fuck I’m gonna call her if I’m 20 minutes late if she’s not even in the office?!?!  I don’t want to call her!!  I don’t even like her. She’s not a very good boss!  She’s nitpicky and doesn’t let me finish one job before she’s piling on something else for me to do. Like Monday, people made a mess of papers by the fax machine and she threw a fit and made me deal with it all and she tried to tell me to sort the faxes and put the fax info in the log book. I told her I already did that. The papers on the fax machine weren’t even faxes. They were papers that people decided to leave there to pile up. I hate when she is in the office. She’s always trying to pull me in a million different directions. I. Just. Hate. It. 

I hate it!  I hate it!!  I HATE IT!!!  As long as I’m unhappy there nothing is going to get better and I’m just going to resent it even more. I give up!!

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