I haven’t felt like writing. I have had lots of free time to do so but most of my free time lately is spent worrying. Worrying about something… Anything… Everything!! I can’t stop it. My mind has been completely taken over by anxiety and stress over worrying about things. It’s not getting easier either.
My job has not gotten easier. It’s gotten harder. And it’s about to get even harder once school starts for Mini come Friday. I will have to wake up even earlier to have enough time to get us both ready and out the door for 8am. I need to get in the car pool line and hope to drop him off in enough time to still be able to make it to work for 9am. Then I have to worry about him getting on the aftercare bus in the afternoon. I don’t want to get a phone call at work saying my son is still at school and to come pick him up with me being an hour and a half away.
I’m stressing over having to go to Mini’s meet and greet tomorrow at school to meet his teacher and bring his school supplies. I’m stressing out because I don’t think I will find a parking spot and I am embarrassed at the way I look. I hate myself. Here I am with my slicked back messy bun, no makeup, bags under my eyes,frumpy clothes, and fat overweight body and all of these nice small put together moms with nice hair and made up faces will be around me. Why does it have to be like this? My friend told me I need to get over this fear and that if my clothes are frumpy then buy clothes that make me feel better about myself but I did just buy all new shirts and pants and they are cute but they look frumpy on me. I hate the way my fat arms stick out of my shirts. Some of them you can see my belly sticking out. My capris show my fat legs. I don’t have nice normal legs. I’m fat everywhere. My legs are fat at the tops and the bottoms. I have cankles. Yuck!!! So the capris I have on are tight and come shorter than all of my other ones. They are comfortable but I think they look bad and they probably do. God, I hate my body! And my hair… Don’t even get me started on my hair. It’s just terrible. I can’t do anything with it. I shower and need to immediately put it back slicked into a bun. If I leave it down it will frizz out into these half ass curls because I bleached my hair so much that the curls are fried and aren’t really curls anymore. They just hang there like sad little tendrils. I can’t blow dry it because it will be 100xs worse than what it looks like wet. My hair is unblowdryable!! So if I want to fixy hair I need to wash it the entire day before, leave it in a bun, and then flat iron it the next day so it will look halfway decent. I can’t take a shower the day of whatever I need to look nice for… I need to shower the day before. This is bad for work. Means I need to shower Saturday and flat iron my hair on Sunday for work on Monday morning. I can take a chance and take a shower Sunday night but my hair will probably frizz up and look like shit. Then I need to not wash my hair until Wednesday night and flat iron it on my day off the next day. All of this just because of my hair!!! Why can’t it be simple for me? Everyone else can just shower and fix their hair as normal. Why can’t I? I hate it. This really contributes to my depression and stress.
My job… Nope, not easier. I’ve been there almost two months now and it’s just gotten harder for me. Getting out of bed each day kills me. I have to force myself just to do it. I have to force myself to leave the house and force myself to drive there and actually get out. I’m not liking my office. The people are nice but I’m still not wanting to be there because of the way I look and I’m also not wanting to be there because it’s excruciatingly painful to sit there for 8 hours. I have to sit there with my mind racing and thinking for 8 hours and I just want to be anywhere but there. I can’t concentrate on what I’m supposed to be working on. My mind travels off into space. I make mistakes. I miss files that are right in front of my face because I can’t concentrate. I get frustrated very easily. Recently, my boss sent an email to me with a list of things to do. It all didn’t make sense to me. I had to keep emailing her back asking questions and getting clarification because I was just not registering what I needed to do. This happens all of the time. I never understand anything. People in the office ask me stuff about something and my mind will blank out completely and I will be like, “What? I don’t know.” Do you know how frustrating and embarrassing this is??? I don’t want to be there anymore. I can’t stand it!! My boss says she appreciates me very much. I don’t care!! I can’t take the job! I can’t take the commute! The morning commute takes an hour. The evening commute takes me an hour and a half!!! AN HOUR AND A HALF!!! I don’t get home until 6:30!! And I need to start picking up Mini from aftercare by 6:30 every day. Do you know how tired I am at the end of the evening? Sitting in that hour and a half bumper to bumper parking lot traffic totally drains me. And then I have to worry about picking up Mini, doing homework, getting dinner cooked and eaten and cleaned up, bath time, and then bed time… Do you see why I’m so stressed??!! I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t.
I don’t have dinner cooked every day either because I get home so late. And my hubs won’t help with the cooking. He gets home an hour before I do. He says he doesn’t feel like cooking so he won’t help. Is that how a marriage is supposed to work?? I thought it was supposed to be give and take?? Aren’t we a team? A partnership?? Ugh!! I’m so frustrated with everything in my life right now. I can’t even stand it!! I know people have it a lot worse than I do and I shouldn’t be complaining so much but I can’t help it. I have never been this stressed out before in my life!!
I need to stop now or else this will just be more complaining!