It’s been quite some time since I’ve been here. I don’t even remember what was going on when I last wrote. Probably was me complaining about work. I’m happy to say that I was able to quit that job a month ago!! I convinced my husband it wasn’t financially smart to stay and also it was killing my depression so much worse. Explaining that after expenses I was only bringing home $50 was enough to do it.
In that time I’ve done nothing! My depression is the worst it’s ever been. I can’t sleep. I can’t shower. I can’t cook. I can’t clean. I don’t have the energy to do any of those things. I am getting a lot of bitching from my husband and I tried to explain to him about my depression but he just doesn’t get it. No matter how many different ways I try he just doesn’t get it. It’s like talking to a rock. I guess he’s trying though. I texted him earlier this week that I was sad and he brought flowers to me. That was sweet.
I won’t shower. It’s been almost five weeks since I’ve taken a shower. I just clean off with soap and water in the sink and I shave sitting on the tub edge. I don’t know what I’m so scared of or why I can’t do it but I just can’t. I don’t have the energy for it. I will sit there for three hours trying to convince myself to do it and I can’t. I won’t. I even went to the salon twice to have her wash and style my hair so I didn’t have to worry about washing it. If my husband knew that he would kill me! If he knew it’s been five weeks since I showered he would kill me and be so mean to me. The other day I told him it had been four days (I lied) and he called me nasty and dirty. Imagine if he really knew… It’s so embarrassing. I’m pathetic. I really am!
Here’s another problem… My hair is falling out. Not just one or two strands at a time… Big clumps of hair whenever it’s washed!! I can run my fingers through my hair and it just keeps on coming out!! I don’t know why. I’ve talked to my psych and she said it could be one or two of my meds but she said it could also be my thyroid. So, for now, I’m supposed to get blood work done to see if my thyroid is abnormal but I haven’t done it yet. I’ve had the papers for a week now. I definitely have to go this week.
When I went to visit my psych on the 20 somethingth, I told her my depression was worse than ever. She went up on my Wellbutrin and my Zoloft and also added Latuda. So now I’m up to nine pills. I don’t think I was on the Zoloft when I last wrote. That’s a fairly new one too. I’m having trouble with taking the Latuda because it needs to be taken mid-day and with at least 350 calories. I don’t eat during the day so it’s hard to take it. When I go to Starbucks at noonish everyday sometimes I get banana nut bread to take the Latuda with. But that is 435 calories and not really good for me. I don’t know what else to do about it.
My psych also wants me to try an outpatient group therapy program and I refuse!!! She said I need to get out of the house during the day because being at home/indoors is feeding my depression. And group therapy would be good for me. A big fat NOPE!!! I’m too socially anxious to even think about walking into a group therapy session!! She told me to just at least call about it. I didn’t and I won’t. I can’t! That would mean I would need to make myself presentable enough to be out in public and would mean taking a shower. I wear the same clothes every day because I don’t get dirty and I don’t like laundry. I don’t go anywhere except to bring and pick up Mini from school and Starbucks drive thru.
Speaking of Mini… He’s having one hell of a school year! It’s the second month beginning and he’s already had an in school suspension, two detentions, countless recesses taken away, and one parent teacher meeting!! We just had the meeting this week and it seems that he is behind on all his assignments because lord knows what he’s doing in class when he’s supposed to be doing them!! He plays in class and doesn’t pay attention. He hasn’t written a single note in science and they write notes every day. He’s so far behind in math… They gave him until Monday to complete all of his assignments but he can’t finish some of them because he needs help from the teacher and I’ve emailed but received no response. He has a project for science that he can’t complete because it’s been so long since they’ve done the experiment that he doesn’t remember anything. I’m so disgusted with him and school. So far he has Ds in Math, Science, and Reading. The semester ends this coming Friday. If he comes home with Ds on his report card there goes the Xbox!!! I’m going to have one unhappy boy!!
Then we have the teenager who has been sick and we finally go to the doctor and find out he has Clahmydia!!! So he had his little week treatment for that and then it was back to the doctor for another pee test to see if he still had it. We won’t find that out until Monday.
My kids are driving me nuts!! My husband too. He’s been so mean to me lately. I know he’s not happy because the house isn’t cleaned and I haven’t been cooking so that may make him angry too although he said it doesn’t. He’s just been mean to me. He won’t let me talk. He cuts me off. He talks at me. He makes me feel unwanted. I try to be nice to him. I tell him I love him as much as I can and I’m always trying to kiss on him. He tells me to stop. he’s got his motorcycle now and he can go off whenever he feels like it. It must be nice. Sometimes I hate when it’s time for him to come home because I’m not prepared for his mouth and meanness. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom or in Mini’s room. Isn’t that a shame?? I can’t fix this situation because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with it.
We haven’t been having sex. Well, we had sex last night but it was the first time in over a month and a half at least. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel sexy. I’m not happy with my marriage. I feel unwanted. I’m depressed. Who wants to have sex with all of that going on? My drive is completely gone. I know it’s not fair to my husband but he’s not exactly winning any brownie points with me lately… Plus, he doesn’t even sleep in the bed with me. He sleeps on the damned sofa!! His choice. He hates the bed and says it hurts his back. He said all the times he’s gotten out the shower and sat on the sofa next to me in just his shorts and I never made a move… UGH!!! My reply was that no one said you couldn’t come get in the bed with me!! He didn’t have anything to say after that!! I hate this shit!
So you see I have lots of bullshit going on in my life right now. I can’t take most of it. I’m just trying to keep my head above water with this depression. It’s not easy.
Til next time…