Well, Hello…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve been here. I don’t even remember what was going on when I last wrote. Probably was me complaining about work. I’m happy to say that I was able to quit that job a month ago!!  I convinced my husband it wasn’t financially smart to stay and also it was killing my depression so much worse. Explaining that after expenses I was only bringing home $50 was enough to do it. 

In that time I’ve done nothing!  My depression is the worst it’s ever been. I can’t sleep. I can’t shower. I can’t cook. I can’t clean. I don’t have the energy to do any of those things. I am getting a lot of bitching from my husband and I tried to explain to him about my depression but he just doesn’t get it. No matter how many different ways I try he just doesn’t get it. It’s like talking to a rock. I guess he’s trying though. I texted him earlier this week that I was sad and he brought flowers to me. That was sweet. 

I won’t shower. It’s been almost five weeks since I’ve taken a shower. I just clean off with soap and water in the sink and I shave sitting on the tub edge. I don’t know what I’m so scared of or why I can’t do it but I just can’t. I don’t have the energy for it. I will sit there for three hours trying to convince myself to do it and I can’t. I won’t. I even went to the salon twice to have her wash and style my hair so I didn’t have to worry about washing it. If my husband knew that he would kill me!  If he knew it’s been five weeks since I showered he would kill me and be so mean to me. The other day I told him it had been four days (I lied) and he called me nasty and dirty. Imagine if he really knew… It’s so embarrassing. I’m pathetic. I really am!

Here’s another problem… My hair is falling out. Not just one or two strands at a time… Big clumps of hair whenever it’s washed!!  I can run my fingers through my hair and it just keeps on coming out!!  I don’t know why. I’ve talked to my psych and she said it could be one or two of my meds but she said it could also be my thyroid. So, for now, I’m supposed to get blood work done to see if my thyroid is abnormal but I haven’t done it yet. I’ve had the papers for a week now. I definitely have to go this week. 

When I went to visit my psych on the 20 somethingth, I told her my depression was worse than ever. She went up on my Wellbutrin and my Zoloft and also added Latuda. So now I’m up to nine pills. I don’t think I was on the Zoloft when I last wrote. That’s a fairly new one too. I’m having trouble with taking the Latuda because it needs to be taken mid-day and with at least 350 calories. I don’t eat during the day so it’s hard to take it. When I go to Starbucks at noonish everyday sometimes I get banana nut bread to take the Latuda with. But that is 435 calories and not really good for me. I don’t know what else to do about it. 

My psych also wants me to try an outpatient group therapy program and I refuse!!!  She said I need to get out of the house during the day because being at home/indoors is feeding my depression. And group therapy would be good for me. A big fat NOPE!!!  I’m too socially anxious to even think about walking into a group therapy session!! She told me to just at least call about it. I didn’t and I won’t. I can’t!  That would mean I would need to make myself presentable enough to be out in public and would mean taking a shower. I wear the same clothes every day because I don’t get dirty and I don’t like laundry. I don’t go anywhere except to bring and pick up Mini from school and Starbucks drive thru. 

Speaking of Mini… He’s having one hell of a school year!  It’s the second month beginning and he’s already had an in school suspension, two detentions, countless recesses taken away, and one parent teacher meeting!!  We just had the meeting this week and it seems that he is behind on all his assignments because lord knows what he’s doing in class when he’s supposed to be doing them!! He plays in class and doesn’t pay attention. He hasn’t written a single note in science and they write notes every day. He’s so far behind in math…  They gave him until Monday to complete all of his assignments but he can’t finish some of them because he needs help from the teacher and I’ve emailed but received no response. He has a project for science that he can’t complete because it’s been so long since they’ve done the experiment that he doesn’t remember anything. I’m so disgusted with him and school. So far he has Ds in Math, Science, and Reading. The semester ends this coming Friday. If he comes home with Ds on his report card there goes the Xbox!!!  I’m going to have one unhappy boy!!

Then we have the teenager who has been sick and we finally go to the doctor and find out he has Clahmydia!!!  So he had his little week treatment for that and then it was back to the doctor for another pee test to see if he still had it. We won’t find that out until Monday. 

My kids are driving me nuts!!  My husband too. He’s been so mean to me lately. I know he’s not happy because the house isn’t cleaned and I haven’t been cooking so that may make him angry too although he said it doesn’t. He’s just been mean to me. He won’t let me talk. He cuts me off. He talks at me. He makes me feel unwanted. I try to be nice to him. I tell him I love him as much as I can and I’m always trying to kiss on him. He tells me to stop. :/  he’s got his motorcycle now and he can go off whenever he feels like it. It must be nice. Sometimes I hate when it’s time for him to come home because I’m not prepared for his mouth and meanness. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom or in Mini’s room. Isn’t that a shame??  I can’t fix this situation because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with it. 

We haven’t been having sex. Well, we had sex last night but it was the first time in over a month and a half at least. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel sexy. I’m not happy with my marriage. I feel unwanted. I’m depressed. Who wants to have sex with all of that going on?  My drive is completely gone. I know it’s not fair to my husband but he’s not exactly winning any brownie points with me lately… Plus, he doesn’t even sleep in the bed with me. He sleeps on the damned sofa!!  His choice. He hates the bed and says it hurts his back. He said all the times he’s gotten out the shower and sat on the sofa next to me in just his shorts and I never made a move… UGH!!! My reply was that no one said you couldn’t come get in the bed with me!!  He didn’t have anything to say after that!!  I hate this shit!

So you see I have lots of bullshit going on in my life right now. I can’t take most of it. I’m just trying to keep my head above water with this depression. It’s not easy. 

Til next time…

Been Awhile

I haven’t felt like writing. I have had lots of free time to do so but most of my free time lately is spent worrying. Worrying about something… Anything… Everything!!  I can’t stop it.  My mind has been completely taken over by anxiety and stress over worrying about things. It’s not getting easier either. 

My job has not gotten easier. It’s gotten harder. And it’s about to get even harder once school starts for Mini come Friday. I will have to wake up even earlier to have enough time to get us both ready and out the door for 8am. I need to get in the car pool line and hope to drop him off in enough time to still be able to make it to work for 9am. Then I have to worry about him getting on the aftercare bus in the afternoon. I don’t want to get a phone call at work saying my son is still at school and to come pick him up with me being an hour and a half away. 

I’m stressing over having to go to Mini’s meet and greet tomorrow at school to meet his teacher and bring his school supplies. I’m stressing out because I don’t think I will find a parking spot and I am embarrassed at the way I look. I hate myself. Here I am with my slicked back messy bun, no makeup, bags under my eyes,frumpy clothes, and fat overweight body and all of these nice small put together moms with nice hair and made up faces will be around me. Why does it have to be like this?  My friend told me I need to get over this fear and that if my clothes are frumpy then buy clothes that make me feel better about myself but I did just buy all new shirts and pants and they are cute but they look frumpy on me. I hate the way my fat arms stick out of my shirts. Some of them you can see my belly sticking out. My capris show my fat legs. I don’t have nice normal legs. I’m fat everywhere. My legs are fat at the tops and the bottoms. I have cankles. Yuck!!!  So the capris I have on are tight and come shorter than all of my other ones. They are comfortable but I think they look bad and they probably do. God, I hate my body!  And my hair… Don’t even get me started on my hair. It’s just terrible. I can’t do anything with it. I shower and need to immediately put it back slicked into a bun. If I leave it down it will frizz out into these half ass curls because I bleached my hair so much that the curls are fried and aren’t really curls anymore. They just hang there like sad little tendrils. I can’t blow dry it because it will be 100xs worse than what it looks like wet. My hair is unblowdryable!!  So if I want to fixy hair I need to wash it the entire day before, leave it in a bun, and then flat iron it the next day so it will look halfway decent. I can’t take a shower the day of whatever I need to look nice for… I need to shower the day before. This is bad for work. Means I need to shower Saturday and flat iron my hair on Sunday for work on Monday morning. I can take a chance and take a shower Sunday night but my hair will probably frizz up and look like shit. Then I need to not wash my hair until Wednesday night and flat iron it on my day off the next day. All of this just because of my hair!!!  Why can’t it be simple for me?  Everyone else can just shower and fix their hair as normal. Why can’t I?  I hate it. This really contributes to my depression and stress. 

My job… Nope, not easier. I’ve been there almost two months now and it’s just gotten harder for me. Getting out of bed each day kills me. I have to force myself just to do it. I have to force myself to leave the house and force myself to drive there and actually get out. I’m not liking my office. The people are nice but I’m still not wanting to be there because of the way I look and I’m also not wanting to be there because it’s excruciatingly painful to sit there for 8 hours. I have to sit there with my mind racing and thinking for 8 hours and I just want to be anywhere but there. I can’t concentrate on what I’m supposed to be working on. My mind travels off into space. I make mistakes. I miss files that are right in front of my face because I can’t concentrate. I get frustrated very easily. Recently, my boss sent an email to me with a list of things to do. It all didn’t make sense to me. I had to keep emailing her back asking questions and getting clarification because I was just not registering what I needed to do. This happens all of the time. I never understand anything. People in the office ask me stuff about something and my mind will blank out completely and I will be like, “What? I don’t know.” Do you know how frustrating and embarrassing this is???  I don’t want to be there anymore. I can’t stand it!!  My boss says she appreciates me very much. I don’t care!!  I can’t take the job!  I can’t take the commute!  The morning commute takes an hour. The evening commute takes me an hour and a half!!! AN HOUR AND A HALF!!! I don’t get home until 6:30!!  And I need to start picking up Mini from aftercare by 6:30 every day. Do you know how tired I am at the end of the evening?  Sitting in that hour and a half bumper to bumper parking lot traffic totally drains me. And then I have to worry about picking up Mini, doing homework, getting dinner cooked and eaten and cleaned up, bath time, and then bed time… Do you see why I’m so stressed??!! I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t. 

I don’t have dinner cooked every day either because I get home so late. And my hubs won’t help with the cooking. He gets home an hour before I do. He says he doesn’t feel like cooking so he won’t help. Is that how a marriage is supposed to work??  I thought it was supposed to be give and take??  Aren’t we  a team?  A partnership?? Ugh!! I’m so frustrated with everything in my life right now. I can’t even stand it!!  I know people have it a lot worse than I do and I shouldn’t be complaining so much but I can’t help it. I have never been this stressed out before in my life!!

I need to stop now or else this will just be more complaining!

Not Adjusting Well… Still

Well, it’s official!  I hate working!  It’s not good at all. I’m dying there. I can’t even stand to wake up and get dressed in the mornings. 

This is the beginning of my fourth week and I really have not adjusted at all. I’ve even called in sick twice. Twice I drove all the way to work (an hour commute) and drove right back home. I really hate it!  It’s bad when it gets to 2pm and then I feel like I can’t stand it anymore. I get antsy and want to scream!  I keep thinking I should tell them I want even more part time hours and say I have to leave at two or three but I’m too scared to. 

My husband is no help either. I told him I hate it and he said so fucking what?!  He refuses to let me quit. He said if I quit it’s like saying a big “fuck you” to him. He has no idea how I feel and he doesn’t know what this is doing to me. 

Here’s my reasoning of why it’s not beneficial to work. I’m going to lose my food stamps. That’s $350 a month. I need to pay after care for Mini each week and it’s $100 a week. If they are off of school that day it’s an extra $13 a day. So that’s roughly $400-500 a month on aftercare. So $350 for food stamps and let’s say $400 for aftercare is $750 a month. I’m only making $1000 a month so that leaves $300. Plus, I have to figure in gas, coffee, and lunches. I’m going to say that’s an extra $150 a month. What am I making?? $150 bucks?!?  To go through all of the torment at being at a job?!  He says it’s worth it. He said I can’t quit. He said I’m contributing to the household!  I say he’s an asshole!!  He berates me when I bring it up. He treats me like a child and screams at me. I feel hopeless. I still tell him I hate it and he yelled at me and said that if I quit this job I better have another one lined up or he’s getting rid of the cable and Internet. I could care less about the cable but we need Internet. He said he’s going to get rid of luxuries and make me suffer. If I can’t help out contributing an income then he will make me suffer. 

How can that be helpful to me?  He’s supposed to support me and help me when I need him. I can’t work. It’s killing me. He said it’s only three days a week and I just need to suck it up. Am I being too dramatic?  I don’t think so. I absolutely HATE working!!!  Once Mini goes back to school it will be even worse!  I will have to get up even earlier and get us both dressed and ready and then I need to rush and get in the car line to drop him off at school. I’m not looking forward to this at all. I have a hard enough time making myself wake up as it is. Once I need to get Mini up I’m going to be a bigger mess!!  

Plus, I’m having a hard time.  It’s hell on my back and my mental state. Once 2pm rolls around, I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It just takes everything out of me. I file and make copies until I can’t file or make copies anymore. I want my old job back where I sat and typed up things most of the day. This job blows. 

Here’s some info. My company has clients that are mentally, physically, and/or developmentally disabled.  Some have Downs. Some have severe autism. Some are paraplegics, etc.  We provide care givers for them (direct service workers or DSWs). Each client has a CPOC (complete plan or care). From that CPOC we create progress notes, a service plan, quarterly reviews, emergency plans, back up plans, etc. when we have a new client it’s either my job or the other admin who comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays to type all of this out. I get the short end of the stick because most of the work gets done by Jody (the other admin) because everything just happens to be dumped on the desk when I’m not there. So I get stuck filing all day. My job when I worked there three years ago used to be typing EVERYTHING!!!  Now not so much. Did I say how much I hate my job. 

So about that filing… Each client has a blue file that has all of the above documents and so much more. My filing consists of taking a checklist for each client and checking or x-ing what is missing or what is complete. This is tedious and time consuming. Hunched over these files kills my back. I need a break from this filing almost all the time but I can’t. I try to do copying in between but sometimes the copier takes a dump and jams. When I copy it is all of the progress notes. Each worker has a copy of the progress note on their shift. They need to fill them all out. Most of these documents are 3-6 pages so that means I need to sort and staple them all together. Most workers ask for 30-60 copies so this takes awhile which I like. I’d rather staple copies together instead of filing but like I said, the copier doesn’t always work. That makes it all more difficult. There’s always something that hinders my work. Always something. Always something!!!

Do I complain too much?  Should I just be happy that I have a job?  NO!!! I hate my job!!  I’m going to burn out. I keep coming in late and I want the turn around and go home. Today I went in late by about 20 minutes. Then my boss, Rebecca, called and she asked if I got in late. I said the traffic was bad. She said from now on call her if I will be late. How the fuck I’m gonna call her if I’m 20 minutes late if she’s not even in the office?!?!  I don’t want to call her!!  I don’t even like her. She’s not a very good boss!  She’s nitpicky and doesn’t let me finish one job before she’s piling on something else for me to do. Like Monday, people made a mess of papers by the fax machine and she threw a fit and made me deal with it all and she tried to tell me to sort the faxes and put the fax info in the log book. I told her I already did that. The papers on the fax machine weren’t even faxes. They were papers that people decided to leave there to pile up. I hate when she is in the office. She’s always trying to pull me in a million different directions. I. Just. Hate. It. 

I hate it!  I hate it!!  I HATE IT!!!  As long as I’m unhappy there nothing is going to get better and I’m just going to resent it even more. I give up!!