Where Did She Go?

I am a major lazy slacker lately!!! Too much going on but at the same time, there’s been a lull as well. I promise to write a long rambling post later. I need to get some things out.

I’m promising myself. Here’s to trying not to break said promise!

February 10: I Cheated Yesterday LOL

I cheated! I forgot to write! I went back and added yesterday’s date to the photo post that I made. Oopsie!!

I just didn’t have time to do it. My husband was eyeballing me watching me on my phone all evening and I just didn’t feel like having an argument started so I put my phone in the bedroom. And then I went in the room to sleep. I didn’t even pick the phone up to try to write in case he came in there and asked me what I was doing.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and they have been really getting to me and upsetting me and it basically boils down to the fact that I’m not too happy with my husband anymore. Now don’t get me wrong! I love him to death!! I’m just not happy how we are living and I’m thinking more and more about wishing I was living back in my apartment again and it isn’t about seeing other guys or anything like that. It’s about freedom to not have someone down my throat for every little thing I do or don’t do. Freedom to be on my phone writing harmlessly in my blog and not have my husband Google my name and accuse me of talking to guys. I’m just so tired of it lately. All we do is fight. It’s like the same day over and over here. It’s like I’m trapped in a never ending loop daily. And the weekends are worse because he’s here all day and night.
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February 13: Oh What a Day!

Oh what a day indeed!! I woke up ten minutes before the alarm went off and got up to smoke a cig. I got Mini’s clothes together and went through the motions as I do every weekday morning. He didn’t want to get up. That’s pretty normal. Finally got him up. I usually have some strawberry, chocolate, or plain milk and his vitamins waiting for him but I had Apple juice this morning and he threw a fit. He apparently doesn’t like apple juice. Well, now I know! We made it out the door just in time.

I came back in and texted hubs good morning and I love you. He called me to tell me it wasn’t a good morning and went into why it wasn’t. He’s on call this week and he had a call bright and early about a stupid thing and an idiot driver.

After that I took a nap. I woke up to a phone call from Mini saying he needs his permission slip and money for his chorus field trip on the 24th. He needed it today because they are on Mardi Gras vacation all next week. So, I got up and brought that to the school. Then I went to the evil, no good, addicting Starbucks!!!!! I couldn’t help it! My car just drove there all on its own and made me order an iced mocha!!! It wasn’t my fault!! I swear!! 😉
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Feeling Lost

i feel lost and alone in my marriage right now. I feel like we are roommates again. I got a flat tire yesterday and I had to put air in it to drive home. Well, hubs texts me today and said I need to get two new tires for the front of my car. I need to get them!  Not we need to get them. He is making me use child support money to get them. He said don’t expect him to buy them. I got in an argument over money with him. He says that it’s his money and he shouldn’t be expected to buy tires for my car!!  I said I thought this was a marriage. Then he says I must want things 50/50 so then the bills should be 50/50 too. Is he not understanding what I’m trying to say?  The money should be ours!!  Not this 50/50 bullshit or making me use Mini’s child support to buy tires!!  

We got in a whole big argument through texting and now I’m left feeling alone and defeated. I told him while I’m at it I will tell you I hate your bike and the fact that you now have something that takes you out of the house and away from me. I said you won’t even take me out for a date but you can get on your bike and go for hours alone. What about me?  My feelings?  My needs?  I told him he just has a new toy and I’m stuck alone. His response was to go play on “fuckbook” (Facebook) and text my mama and my sister!!  He is making it an argument that I’m always on my phone. So I shot back that what else is there to do when my husband won’t pay attention to me and I don’t even have a computer to relax with and listen to my music and play games. I said I need to do everything from my phone now and I hate it. He doesn’t care. He has his own laptop to use and he has his bike to run away on. 

The money thing really has me aggravated though. What he is saying is that he’s in control and I have no say so over anything. Basically, he is my boss. I told him that I feel like roommates. I told him that all I do for him is wash his clothes and feed him. His response was he’s not fucking retarded and he can wash his own clothes!! What the fuck, man!?!  That’s not what I was looking for in an answer. 

I can’t lay on him on the sofa. He won’t lie down in the bed with me at night. He hates the mattress and said that it gives him a backache and he can’t work the next day without being in pain. He won’t even lie down with me for twenty minutes!! I beg him to and it only leaves me in tears because he shoots me down every night. The only time he will get in the bed is when we have sex. I don’t want that!!  I want my husband to want to spend time with me and to lie down and hold me. What do I get?  Excuses and bitching!!  

I truly feel all alone and it’s not right. I guess after four marriages he’s forgotten how to be a husband. He said he knows all too well what it’s like to be married and have the wife have access to the money. So because they fucked up things I am treated like shit. 

I’m feeling bad at home and I’m not adjusting well to working so I feel depressed over everything!  I can’t even talk to my husband about how I’m feeling at work because he will just blow up at me. He will tell me to suck it up and get used to it. I’m not adjusting well at all. I’m not going to bed early enough. I’m not sleeping well. I have to sit in traffic one hour in the morning and one in the evening. I don’t like getting dressed to go. I am fat and my clothes don’t fit me well. I feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I think they talk about me when they are in their offices. One last even made a remark about my weight and I wanted to cry!  One of our clients came in with her worker and there were a few other people in the lobby. I told Sarah (client) hi and I turned to go back in the office area.  Sarah had lost quite a bit of weight since I last saw her three years ago.  Connie called me back and said that Sarah must have lost the weight that you found!!!  I didn’t know what to say. I just said yeah I guess so, smiled, and walked back to my desk. That was not nice and now I think even more that people are talking about me. 

That’s not even all the things that are bugging me about work. I have nothing to do. I finish everything so quickly and then I’m just sitting there. Sitting there makes the hours go by so slowly. I ask for more work but they tell me wait. And by the time the sixth hour rolls around I feel like I can’t go on anymore. My body hurts by then. My back hurts so much and I just feel drained. I really can’t go on. Before I used to be happy to go to work. This time I dread it. I don’t want to get out of my car in the morning. I just don’t know what to do. Once school starts I will have to pay $100 a week to put Mini in after school care. I’m only working three days a week but still need to pay for the whole week. $100 a week is expensive. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I will make $288 before taxes a week. And $100 of that goes to the after school care center. Does it pay to work?  What about when Mini has a day off?  I won’t have anyone to watch him. I can’t count on Brandan to watch him. What about school vacation weeks?  What am I going to do then?  I have so many stressors right now that I can’t even sleep peacefully. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t get any help from my hubs at all. I feel like I’m on my own again. 

Something has got to give. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do about the money situation and my feelings on the bike and how he won’t lie down with me at night??  I’m at a loss!!

I just want to have everything go perfect for once. Is that too much to ask for?